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i've noticed recently that not only do i never have time or energy
(time = energy => activity => happiness)
but i also just have a very unoptimized schedule.
when i actually get down to it, i'm capable of learning material and completing school assignments faster than the average person. i am generally considered to be an academic menace in this regard. hence, when i procrastinate i can actually get a lot done in those last 15 minutes before 11:59 p.m. of the due date.
the problem is that i am almost never in that mental space or "mood." i am in that mood for productivity (dareisay grindset) almost daily, but always during school hours and only if i'm not already depressed or extremely tired.
if i could actually live and work and do things when i 'felt like it,' maybe i would have time leftover to enjoy existence. i could also actually try to deliberately change those times if i had the buffer time to rest and shift my natural internal focus times around.
more time = more energy => more fun = less depression => more productivity => upward trajectory of downward spiral.
this may be possible after high school. maybe.
because i've achieved happiness intermittently by completely neglecting and forgetting about other responsibilities, i know vaguely that once i'm actually removed from these commitments i can probably be happy.
future independence from my family and from school is basically the only thing keeping me going. when i'm not constantly being made to feel like a failure or an anxious wreck with my dad in the house or with school bugging me, maybe i can actually grow as a person and find some semblance of joy.
soon, i can move past all of this... is what i've been telling myself every moment of every day. i've surrendered already and am simply waiting, day after day, to graduate high school and leave home. life has become a waiting game, the anticipation of some sort of rebirth or freedom.
yay?
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ale
just 3 more months of waiting i guess. life really IS a waiting game
Kajtek
>life has become a waiting game, the anticipation of some sort of rebirth or freedom.
Real.
I don't have it as bad with my parents as I conclude from your posts you do, yet I'm so annoyed with living there, with highschool, with long commutes and stuff. I want to fkin move away and live on my own. I guess that's normal.
Wishing you all the best. You gonna find what you're looking for^^
thank you and i hope you reach that independence as well.
by francis, fran; ; Report
ashton
yeah, kinda the same.. you just never have the motivation or energy to do things you really can easily do .^. I think its that there are so many things that our souls would much rather do, even if we havent discovered it yet the hole is still there, and they're not really academic success.. and maybe theres also the social pressure.. its not done for ourselves.. not doing the work for ourselves, but cause of the big big world and our families.. but in the end thats not really what we would've wanted to do. if the case is your household and school I send you luck and best wishes, do what you can and find some peace when youve gone on your own road ^^..
waaa thank you
by francis, fran; ; Report