im honestly not smart enough

Hello the excitement from the results wore off a bit or like yeah im also kinda sleepy and i kinda had to lock in and think instead of playing idv while filling out columbia's financial aid application (its really late ik...i apparently left out columbia when i was filling my css profile out all the way back in october i dont even know brah)

i started going down this spiral when my dad called since he got worried that we're submitting the financial aid application so late and then he said something along the lines of "well even if u dont get aid I'll still pay for all of it" and then he let out a big sigh

bitch no ur not...its 100k/year w/o aid and u r a college professor at a state college...dont fucking play....

i think he has some kind of like...regret from pressuring my brother financially when he was applying for college...but yeah money is no joke...and honestly what he said pressured me more than comforted me bc like ya ig thats great and all but if i hypothetically (but most likely wont happen) i went there for 100k/year im not rlly sure if i cant give 100k worth of effort and yield 100k worth of results...like i always im such a bum and honestly............................................i think i got in for diversity points. my sat score was not great and my stats are honestly not even that great either. I honestly put in as much effort as people who didnt get into ivies and/or I bs'ed things and somehow got lucky. I dont think im that exceptionally smart like i just happened to have some extracurriculars because I had a lot of leisure to try things here and there but honestly there is nothing else in me

and ive been bsing class for the past 1~2 months. If I cant study for high school how am i gonna study in college brah. im not gonna survive and all those smartass ivy kids will destroy me and im gonna be homeless in the streets of new york

i just wish my dad didnt act so sacrificial bc no one fucking asked for it and he has no thought in even remotely hiding the fact that he is pushing himself a lot to do this kind of thing

ik fs hes just gonna always mention the high tuition he had to pay for me to go if i end up not getting a good aid package but i still end up at columbia

I hope i get off the wl for LA...or berkeley...and i dont think my family will be happy if I said i wanted to go to sb or sd tbh. and then someones gonna be like "no brah just do what u want!" BITCH U THINK THATS EASY OMFG. STFU BRAH. i wish though. i wish i could just say fuck it and go to sd so i can get food w my friend and study together and yeah.

if it was between LA and a medicore aid package for columbia what do i choose though?? tbh i do have a semi decision made up and i think its the "right" choice is to go to columbia. yeah and ik this is also one of those things ppl would say oh like no theres no right choice or whatever but yk shit is not simple bruh like if it was 100k/year columbia vs 10~20k/year UCLA then hell yeah UCLA but like it all comes down to weighing it out...and its a fucking ivy brah...Like i dreamed ab it when i was in freshman year and now i have it in my hands. If i dont think this through and just go to la willy nilly im gonna look back at least for a couple months or maybe a few years doubting my decisions

i ultimately think whichever UC i end up in out of my options I would be happy. theres someone I know in almost every UC and its in california so im just close to everyone in general. and yeah ultimately what u make out of the experience is more important whatever stuff like that.

But also if I look further into life I do just want to explore more and live young. I work better under pressure bc im just so locked out like honestly. I like to call myself self-motivated but i am not and need a deadline or something to work with to keep myself accountable. Columbia is all the way in the east coast and nyc is in close proximitiy and its gonna be a completely new environment and lots of very deserving ppl there and I think it will honestly be proabably a very intense and hopefully??probably?? very educational space. It's exciting to think about changes but its also very daunting.

 But can I really lock in???? Can I really adapt to my best there???? I don't have clear faith in myself and I honestly dont know what the best thing to do right now is. All ik how to do is draw fear and hunger fanart and rage journal on spacehey

I feel like mentally I need to just go to someone and talk this out instead of journaling. Specifically with my teachers because theyre kind of like my second parents in a way and specifically my physics teacher😢😢😢😢😢and i kind of know what any of my teacher would say if i say oh i dont think im smart enough i think i got in bc im trans or smth. theyre gonna say no u didnt and ur so qualified but whereever u end up ur gonna do awesome whatever whatever ik what theyre gonna say ik what tone theyre gonna say it in but i feel like i just need to hear it so I can trust myself a bit more with all of this i want to feel like people believe in me 

honestly i need to lock in regardless of where i end up. wherever i go will be some kind of new start and i have to make the best use of that excitement to lock myself into place and be more independent and responsible. But also its tough. LIKE IK ITS SUPPOSED TO BE BUT IM FREAKING OUT AND IT SUCKS OK. man my ass literally neglected hw and went to bed late on tuesday from reading YAOI and u think my ass is gonna survive college brah man. MAN. need to get a job asap and my license and study. 

Honestly nothing good will come out of freaking out now. I still have a good month to think about things before deciding where to go and idk how much aid columbia will give me sooo...I have to be serious about all of this though because everything's coming fast and realizations just hit. I need some more optimism sort of...i think and some more room in my mental space to think about things more rationally. So im gonna try to refrain myself from panicking for now. I will leave all the panic here in this blog entry and come back to it later once the aid package is out! For now I should just focus on whatever's on my plate like classes and scholarships

alright guys good night thanks for reading...wheover is....good luck out there bc its tough...heh...im just like deku!!!!!! skibidi sigma!!!!!!!!!