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listen to this song i made a few years ago while you read this. or listen to some duster.
or don't. it's your choice whether or not you want to obey the petty exhortations of a 2nd gen asian middle class asf teenager.
anyways,
it's been 18 days since i've last written.
nothing significant has changed since the start of my spacehey career last december.
this is one of the first times i've documented my life so consistently in one place.
i can tell very easily now that i'm not getting myself anywhere in terms of
"happiness"
or
"progress"
or
"self-improvement."
i oscillate between trying to push back the waves or letting them hurl my body repeatedly against the sand.
i sometimes wonder if i am a little sailboat
and my desires and sensations (consciousness)
are just a storm that i can't escape.
and that sometimes the winds happen to push me where i want to go
and i call that "motivation" or progress.
when in reality i'm caught in a directionless, thoughtless sea.
question: why do i still thrash my little paddles
answer: because it gets better soon. and even if it didn't i might as well have blind faith that it does.
question: why aren't my little paddles enough
answer: no longer do i believe that i'm simply not trying hard enough. i've obtained some sort of learned helplessness in the face of this. i don't give up because i want to. i give up because my brain realized (before i was willing to admit it) that no amount of effort will solve anything. my efforts are not enough because my capacity for effort is limited by circumstance. probably.
...
today i:
- got up at 7 a.m. and left the house at 7:10 (on time!)
- i've started wearing a uniform outfit to school. it's the same everyday. it saves time and it proves to myself that i don't need fashion and that fashion is a choice, not a social obligation.
- 7:30 i played piano but realized i was just killing time so i stopped.
- i killed time idly at school for a few hours. i really wanted to do something, to catch up maybe, but i didn't truly want anything. it's so easy to feel complete when you're tired... finished, done, nothing more to contribute or take in. retired. dead. allowed only to rest...
- 11:30 danced in front of a window as a mirror while listening to tokyo sniper by ryosenkei.
- endured more school.
- i'm still on crutches. i can't complain too much, it's one of the few things that force me to exert effort.
- at some point today i wrote a spacehey bulletin. i forgot when it happened.
- 2:00 after everyone and the teacher left i stayed in class and used the teacher's nice stereo speakers to listen to some music. thank you.
i listened to seychelles by masayoshi takanaka. it's perfect music that makes me feel like i'm somewhere perfect. - 2:30 a friend visited and we talked about my life plans.
we listened to stratosphere by duster and western teleport by emperor x. it's really quite imperfect music, which makes it so perfect. homemade slowcore and midwest emo... truly indie music made by independent, full, human individuals. - 3:30 he drove me home. thank you.
- i read the short story, flowers for algernon. i almost cried.
- 5:00 i took a nap
- 8:45 my mom woke me up and i wanted truly to be gone
- i ate dinner with my family
- 9:30 my dad talks to me about things he wants me to do over the weekend regarding scholarships and finance-college-research stuff.
- i wanted to cut but i resisted
- 10:00 i write this and relisten to stratosphere
Comments
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Haru_min˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
and then as for the realization its just waiting for the circumstances to let up right? It really is right when your desires and feelings just get tangled up like that because yeah like, sometimes it's being with people what gives a sudden feeling of wanting to live. living because others make it feel like so ... dealing in this type of circumstance and life is really pretty tricky because it's just like holding a glass vase while balancing on a wool thread, so easy to break the vase and when you do everything is fucked up (trauma)
so like even the regular people (i'm not trying to level this) have some sort of unhappiness in their lives and things are complicated and certain traumas and there's lots of shit and difficulty but life is really set on fucking hard mode for people who life just entirely fucked over regardless of situation or any reason of it like any origin. you can't even try to tackle shit cuz it was so bad(everyone gets fucked over in life tbh nvm) but honestly in situations like this who feels like they're moving?? it's obvious that for the most part everything seems to remain the same (but like that's a long time with crutches lol)
nothing changes routine goes and i mean there's the change u can do to it but proven that no matter the effor nothing would change until the situation lets up.. which is wondering... how things would change and how much until the chain is broken? ok it's like being in a incubator your whole life and when u try to go out ur bullied back into the incubator but like 17 years later you're expected to get out of it and be a real person of some shit
bed rotting is always. bed rotting is what i do and maybe it really gives the conception of not being a real person and having no life but like it's so weird cuz there's some progress even if there's nothing done in a way
but anyway like thinking abt it really those things u told jegg abt are like. huh ?? actually sounds like good advice cuz like the more u detach from the situation the better things are gonna be handled in exchange for being a fucking empty shell of a person orrrrrrrrr maybe not but i think some people grasp it in the way that they enjoy the suffering of the hardships and trauma in a strong way like actively suffering from the trauma and literally dying of it and wanting to remain in this dead situation, and it's just like some sort of victim satisfaction over it
i keep trying to avoid the thought that honestly there's nothing truly meaningful and important in this earth, things just are because they are, but isn't that like the most raw truth?? i guess my mind tries to avoid it because, society has told you that being like that is probably bad and that you'll be 'hopeless' and being in delusion is better but. could i possibly live like that? because everything in life just haves no reason or value or any sense at all. and there's just the human condition then so thats why i say people give meaning to their own lives
so like just let it pass maybe there could be a style of life while acknowledging that truly out of human input nothing truly haves any valuable meaning
also listening to serpent again was fun and. title of the album youre planning is good i mean like if life doesn't kill you do ittttttt aaaaaaa
by Haru_min˚ʚ♡ɞ˚; ; Report
humans can assign meaning to actions or feelings or events, but i'm thinking purely from the standpoint of someone who is ready to commit suicide. such people do not deal with delusions of "there's a reason for all this" or "this has some sort of greater meaning."
the only greater implication to be had (from that pov) is that there is no meaning.
'meaning' is just another sensation that we chase after, but if we recognize that everything including our suffering has no intrinsic meaning we can stop longing for it so badly.
and i guess when you see despair as an existential hunger then you can detach yourself from that. this kind of goes back to some sort of buddhist mentality: your hunger is not you. similarly, your despair is not you. it's only a sensation that you can stand above and look at from third person.
i will actually admit that this is terrible advice because it's speculative but it works for me i guess?
also thank you for listening to serpent again... i appreciate it a lot! i saw your comment as well :)
by francis, fran; ; Report
considering that we're both on the brink of mindlessly that but on unstability and other shit i guess it's optimal in these types of situation since bad things became the norm detaching is like a holy daily bread
would you hold my hand while i try to carve a emo heart on my thigh
by Haru_min˚ʚ♡ɞ˚; ; Report
Jegg
I LOVE FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON OMG.....
It's so good to hear about u again fran!! u were missed in spacehey
I have honestly been in the same place too where I feel like nothing has significantly changed at all even though there are things I have been wanting to change. I always try to end the day on a sort of optimistic note along the lines of wanting to keep trying, but it never works out. I just get so tired and doomed after I come back from school where I don't want to do anything even though I feel like I should be, and its just this constant turmoil in my head circulating self-doubt, fatigue, and hopelessness to every part of my body
idk if all of this process is what camus really meant. I guess I dont give up and keep going and enjoy/romanticize some part of this doomed cycle, but also I'm pretty sure I mostly just hate it. When I read the myth of the sisiphys I thought that believing in the innate value of suffering was something more magical and eye-opening. I honestly am not even sure if I am there. Maybe I interpreted the book wrong or there is something missing from the mindset I am trying to cultivate. Either way everything still continues to suck and even though I try to end the days with a good note.
Honestly sisiphys is a person so I'm assuming when he gets physically tired he stops rolling the rock and takes a break to wonder if all of this work he's doing is worth it. I could honestly see him being mildly suicidal or that might be just me projecting a part of me onto him as I try to imagine him lolz....
The small sprinkles of good moments in life like dancing and good music does make everything more doable but everything still feels like it sucks because it feels like there is something fundamental that has to change. I'm not really sure if keeping good faith or giving up is the better answer and how the best way to navigate each choice is.
I realize that there IS infinitely many different choices to make but we only have a limited mental capacity that allows us to focus on one kind of direction at a time as well as limited energy. And that just makes everything more overwhelming. Some days I feel like something might work out and some days I really feel like there is no point in trying anymore. Basically I am never sure of anything and it's so frustrating. But I guess that's natural.
But again yeah its great to be able to hear an update from you again! Recently I got to listen to the entirety of your serpent album and got to talk about your music with a couple of my friends who also makes music and its been fun! Things sound tough for you and honestly these words will probably not mean much but I hope the best for you! And I guess I mean that in a "I hope you get to have a moment to catch a break and feel like everything will be fine again" kind of way
ur blogs r so real and theyre comforting in a way bc i relate to them a lot...man everything sucks!
the myth of sisyphus is a bit romanticized and it has some faults (such as that sisyphus cannot commit suicide or die again if he wanted to, and that he was doing primarily physical labor). my interpretation of it accommodates the fact that camus wasn't familiar with 21st century suffering. i will explain:
for us, "the absurd" takes the form of getting fucked by trauma and our family's generational trauma, spiraling downwards in self-image and hope, and (weirdly) actively depleting our brain of happiness with actual decisions, school and socialization and whatnot. this is just like a short summary of our suffering and it doesn't include the default human suffering of like, the fact that we literally cannot be happy for more than a few short periods at a time because we didn't evolve to be satisfied creatures. aaaand our neurotransmitters and hormones aren't adapted to the modern industrialist/capitalist world.
anyways,
you can't really consciously find that all of this meaningless suffering (whose causes can be tracked down to meaningless but natural laws and events) has any purpose or provides any enjoyment. it's not something you just "believe" in because you want to, like a religion or a god or something. thus, it's a pretty romantic fantasy to just suddenly *choose* to enjoy suffering.
the way i see it, becoming sisyphus is not romantic. you have to be kind of crazy. being keenly aware of absurdity (i.e. meaningless suffering) helps get there. writing helps get there. because then you see how stupid and pointless this all is and, if you're like me, you can kind of grow ironically detached from it. almost laugh at it in a way.
as someone who has sort of adapted to sisyphus, i find that i'm drawn to certain forms of suffering in like a prideful sort of way... like i "enjoy" the horrid feeling of waking up after getting only 1 hour of sleep and forcing myself to get to school. or getting across campus in crutches feeling like an actual corpse. i don't actually like enjoy any of these sensations, but i'm able to exist these feelings as if i were in 3rd person... looking at these good/bad feelings as holistic experiences that might contribute to some sort of tolerance or capacity for persistence.
so when you develop this sisyphean attitude towards personal, isolated suffering, just like benign events and monotonies that you might just curse at and bite your teeth through, you can approach the existential brainfucks of our generation in a similar way.
and like, i still cry and want to kill myself pretty regularly. but it's also like watching someone unfit training for a marathon and like, they look like they surely must be suicidal in their state of torture. in a similar way, i let suicidal thoughts wash over me and through me like through a colander.
i think the punchline is that suffering is never going to be enjoyable or meaningful. you have to detach yourself from sensation and meaning and kind of exist in third person. you have to detach yourself from context and everything and look at things with ironic amusement... "ah, here a homo sapiens who is far removed from its natural environment, so totally lost in this manmade world, whose parents and neighbors are all equally lost without thinking so."
and i guess when you truly accept that nothing has intrinsic meaning, you're kind of on creative mode. things just sort of happen and i scream and move on.
this is probably the least helpful advice i've ever given...
by francis, fran; ; Report
this actually makes a lot of sense but also man...this sucks
by Jegg; ; Report
benny // whalefall
i can tell very easily now that i'm not getting myself anywhere in terms of
"happiness"
or
"progress"
or
"self-improvement."
REAL
also, dude. 'proud of you for not cutting
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
thanks benny i'm hanging on
by francis, fran; ; Report
same
by benny // whalefall; ; Report