have u ever felt like this? and is it wrong that i feel this way?

hi there. i just became a 7th grader recently... no, not really recent. i became a 7th grader about a year ago.. or was it 6 months ago? i’m gonna be an 8th grader soon. it won’t be long now. and here, i just want to share things that have been on my mind for a very long time. i’ve been really struggling with them.

a kid? a teenager? idk... someone like me should be enjoying their teenage years, right? like, having fun with friends and doing some mischievous things together, just like any other teenager... right? but since 6th grade, that just hasn’t been my thing. i’ve always liked hanging out with my older brother since i was a kid, and he taught me how to be "cool", how to be mature, how older people do cool things. and yeah, everything he said seemed really cool. but to be honest, it really affected me. in 6th grade, when my classmates were into video games or other “cool” stuff, i just didn’t have any interest in it. it felt like they were being too immature or childish (no, i'm not trying to be different and cool ok??).

i couldn’t understand anything they were talking about, it felt like i was in my own world. every time i tried talking about my interests with my closest classmate, he didn’t seem to understand or even care. it felt like every time i tried to express myself, it didn’t work. i’ve dealt with a lot of things. my big brother always told me how cool it is to be a teenager or to be mature. so since i was a kid, in elementary school, i tried to act like one. i tried to be like those cool people my brother described. and strangely, everything he said actually happened to me... in elementary school.

it’s weird, but i experienced many things early. both in real life and on the internet. it felt like i had a "pass" to know things faster. i went through it all when i was in 4th or 5th grade, if i remember correctly. i still remember doing cringey things back then, like trying so hard to be friends with older people. it felt so cool to have older friends because they talked about things i didn’t know, and they explained everything to me. but then, they slowly disappeared and ignored me.

in 6th grade, everything started feeling monotonous. it felt like i had no friends at all. the laughter, the innocence, the joy of being a happy kid. it was all gone. everything became plain and boring. it was hard for me to talk to people. i mean, i could talk, especially with my family or some classmates, but day by day, my classmates were growing up. they had new stories to tell abt their "fun" stories. they played the games that everyone else played together, and i was jealous. i felt left out. i didn’t understand anything about.. their "stupid" games. even when i tried really hard to play and understand the mechanics, i just couldn’t. it wasn’t my interest. but then again… maybe it’s because i had already gone through that phase. back when i was in 4th or 5th grade, i played games that seemed cool to me, but when i showed it to my friends, they didn’t seems to be not understanding it. it was like talking to a brick wall. no reaction and no connection. and by 6th grade, i no longer understood or cared about their games, story, or another stuff. everything in 6th grade felt so dull. as a 6th grader, i should have been enjoying these things, but i felt alone. i really wanted to have fun with them, but it was useless.

it made me feel different from everyone else… in a bad way. for a whole year, i went through the same routine over and over again, just waiting to graduate from elementary school. i thought, "once i get to middle school, things will be different." new school, new people, new environment, new experiences. but even though i became a middle schooler, it turned out to be the same. much worse than i expected. that feeling from 6th grade came back. middle school is filled with kids doing bad, disgusting, or immoral things. and i really, really hate them. everything they do is just for their own amusement. they’re so immature and childish. their mindset? it’s absolute garbage. most of them don’t even study. they copy their homework from their classmates. i tried to be nice to my classmates, but they only used me. i gave them my homework, thinking i was being a nice person and that i was helping them, but they didn’t learn anything. almost every day, i handed them my work, and it was all because.. i just wanted to be friends with them.

but why? why didn’t they see it? they used me like a freaking robot to do their homework. they didn’t see me as a human being. i even bought stuff for some of them, trying to be friendly, but no.. they gave me nothing in return. they only used me for their own benefit. i really, really hate them. i just don’t understand. what do they even want? and why do they do such unnecessary bad things to the people around them. even to the teachers? they’re so annoying. they disturb the peace. they provoke others. they create chaos. people like them deserve to disappear.

this new environment is making me feel insane. it’s making me feel even more alone, like i have no one to talk to, no one to support me. i’ve lost all my motivation. these people, with their childish behavior. i just can’t handle them. it makes me sick. like… imagine going to school every day and seeing these kids do these immoral things.. they see me as weird and avoid me. i’m the only one who doesn’t talk about the things they talk about. they don’t even see me as a living being lol. i’ve had enough.

now, i’m already in the second semester, and i need to change. i need to act differently. i need to let my hatred take control. i stopped helping them. i hate them so much. i want them frickin gone. i start to treat them poorly. every time we have a group project, i do all the work, and guess what do they do? nothing. but when the homework is done? i threaten them, i tell them i’ll report them to the teacher, that they’ll get a zero for copying lol. and it’s funny watching them apologize and beg me not to tell. they suddenly start pretending to help when they actually do nothing. i hate them. i don’t understand how their brains work. i don’t get why they do the things they do. why act like this? why be such a waste of space?

yk i should start treating them even worse. watching them struggle feels satisfying. it feels nice to see these kids have a hard time in school. but it’s not enough. i need to do more. worse things. this isn’t enough for me. these people need to get what they deserve. i hate how they make me suffer every single day. whether in real life or online, they’re all the same. has anyone ever felt the same way as me? and... is it right to do these things? i just want to know that someone out there feels the same way.

28/03/2025