for life isn't liveable when it's lacking you

sometimes i think about taking revenge. of wanting to hurt them as much as they hurt me, if not more. i want their heart to shatter with each tear they shed, their thoughts to be so full of me until their mind can't comprehend if it belongs to their body or mine. for the wind to bring them my scent, for every form of water to whisper them my name. for their fingertips to burn when touching anything, anyone who isn't me. for my lack of presence, for my silence to be so loud until the point where it's deafening. i hate myself sometimes, for i'm not able to actually hate you. i can't bring myself to overlook every good memory we made together in order to forget about the lack of your older self. because i know that the love i gave you, no matter how selfless it was, was needed. every i love you that left my mouth was uttered out of complete sincerity. and i know that no matter what happened, your i love you,s were sincere as well. believing you wasn't dumb of me, no matter what. loving you wasn't a waste. wanting my ears to only hear you, my eyes to only know you, wasn't naive of me. you're still in my prayers, lili. despite the lack of faith i have in any kind of higher being. i still pray for you to heal, for you to be safe and happy. my mind, my dreams aren't free of you. and i hope with all my heart that i'm haunting yours as well. i know that such a thought is selfish of me, but i don't care anymore. i don't wish to care. good night, my prettiest. i hope every breath you take fills your lungs with me. 222