Accidentally poetaster

Hello, since I am being more and more open here, let´s start with something I would never say to someone: I am really sad right now. Right now I am thinking of ways to make it sound lighter, at this point I even may have a PhD in euphemism lol... And there it is, I blocked other way to make it sound better, maybe kind of play the superficial stereotype (if there is someone there, which looks like there may actually be the case, since I have had interactions in my posts lol, this will become more understandable soon), maybe use "kind of"/"a little" and, if I resist there temptations, make it clear between parentheses that I am exaggerating... Which is what I will do now without even using these punctuation marks: I know I have a lot of privileges, I never had to worry if there would be food in the next day, was asked to not work by my parents because they thought I was too young to do it, despite having already finished high school, received a plastic surgery... Okay, this one was a lot of emotional work and isn´t that much of a privilege, since, and now we are coming to the point, I need them (plural).

My face is better than it was before my first plastic surgery, there wasn´t a milisecond in which I considered regretting it, but I may regret hearing my parents and firstly get 2 plastic surgeries instead of the 3 that we considered. Rationally speaking, it was the best choice, but I know that, despite having the promise, it might won´t be that easy to have my third one that soon... Which also means that other aesthetic procedures will have to wait. Have you theorized about my financial status by now? If yes, the reality is a lot less money than you are imagining... And mainly a lot access to it than you might think (partially also my fault, I always feel guilty when I use it).

I can´t even express in words how much I want the appearance I am thinking of, there was only one day in which I tasted how my life would feel if I felt better in my skin and I am starving for more of it (sadly not starving literally... Anymore, the numbers on the balance still don´t feel real, how can I escape from this nightmare?). I guess there really isn´t a escape (yes, I can lose weight again, but it´s like my fat is hiding Eldorado, and searching for it would lead me to the same fate people had centuries ago, but this would be pretty in tune with someone that likes nostalgia so much like me, wouldn´t it?), but there are a lot of places in which I can hide, or better said, one place, since I always go back there. It probably finds itself under a stage, on which I will never be, but can still hear the applauses and the booings and pretend they are for me.

The thing is, it is a dark and dirty place to be in and I am afraid that my clothes are already showing signs of stains and I don´t know if I want to take all the effort to clean it anymore. I mentioned two times in the last days that the general practitioner literally printed a list of psychiatrist nearby for me... And I didn´t even said it all (to be fair, I talked in a quick way I normally never speak), I never said it all to anyone actually. Just to be really clear, I know that I am not even near people that have it a lot worse than me, financially and psychologically, but right now what I have is being enough to take away parts and time of my life. The clock is ticking and I think/know I will never have what I want and at the same time know/know what I don´t want: on top of all the problems my body already has, I will start looking older... I didn´t even begin to think young, to have all the experiences I wish I could have... So, just to have a conclusion, please (blanket space for anything that could help me), let me have the life I want, let me have the appearance and the fame I wish, I would accept becoming a member of the "27 Club" in return :P.

I am afraid of reading all this I wrote, the cringe is pretty much guaranteed lol I swear this is not a writing exercise or that I think that I somewhat of an artist/poet/anything similar. I just started the entry because I noticed I was in my procrastination cycle and wanted to put things off my chest, maybe writing it down will have actually an effect of making me feel lighter... And, of course, despite trying in the beginning, I just couldn´t not think about how "entertaining" an imaginary reader would find my rant, so I, without even doing it purposefully, tended to talk in a metaphorical way, the only difference is that this time I didn´t stop saying (in this case, writing) things because I don´t want to be negative. I frequently let my anxiety win (or, better said, the anxiety wins against me) and I ask people If I was annoying, rude, boring and apologize, which kind of means that I am also throwing them into my problem of anxiety (I did it a lot more a time ago, but, still, my constant apologies might not be what people want to hear, maybe I am throwing the "mood" down... I literally am having the impulse to want to apologize here to everyone in my life for what I am... Before I also start saying sorry for saying so much sorry (which I kind of did right now :P), let´s finish my point in this paragraph I expected to be max. 3 lines, anxiety winning against me isn´t a new thing, but sadness winning against me would be, people have no idea I have moments like this one now (congrats! I don´t even know you and awarded you with a wall of sad text, what a great "blogger" I am to the people that stumbled upon this post), but maybe the real victory is kind of being more open about it? No idea, luckily I have to prepare to bring my clothes, since the washing time is not far away of ending, so, if there is someone there, I wish you a really great day/night and byeee!

Music of now: Super Mario Bros Wii: Tower.