Journal #45

It's been little over a month since I arrived in Mexico, but it's nearing the time to go home. I really felt ready to leave about two days ago, but I can stomach a few days longer. I was an absolute idiot to think that everyone I met would be nothing short of welcoming, but that's what I get for being an optimist. Boyfriend's got an impeccable sense of social awareness, and with this he weilds the skill to feel home where ever he goes. I envy him in the most disgusting manner. If I could possess just a smidgen of his likability, maybe I could make just one friend. 

I'm going to miss living with Boyfriend. My bedroom back home will feel empty and there will be no one to hold, or share with, or laugh with and just the thought is unbearable. He's the onlu one on earth who would ever reach out to me, who would ever say "I love you" and want to. He's really all I have. 

I'm heartbroken. I really am. I don't want to get into the fine details, but I just know that no matter where it is I go, I'm never going to find friends of my own or a place I can really call mine. I feel a bit like I made a mistake in ever believing that. This is Boyfriend's home. I'm just some strange visitor who can barely make out conversation. I don't know if I'll ever come back, but for now I feel as though it's a certain and adament "No!" Don't get me wrong, the city's loveley and so are the poeple, it's just I really don't feel like any of it is mine. Like I'm just borrowing it. 

I'm looking forward to curling up in my bed and spending time in my room. I miss my cat. I miss my snails. I miss my private space. Furthermore, I've made the decision to only hang out with Boyfriend. I really don't find I get anything out of hanging out with out in groups of three (unless it's me, BF, and my sister). They've done nothing to aid my social anxiety and I find they only worsen the matter. I wish I could live in a world with minimal human contact, but unfortunately, that's not possible. I'll try my best to manage on as little I can for the benefit of everyone else.