Feeling different and alien-like (⁠ᗒ⁠ᗩ⁠ᗕ⁠) (Blog #5, 25th March 2025)

During my entire life, I felt out of place, wherever and with whoever. I never had the experience of belonging somewhere, as in a friend group/being befriended closely with someone. While I (since I began attending the highschool) get along with my classmates and I do have quite a few acquaintances I am close with, but the alien feeling doesn't disappear. 

-✯O✯-

I contemplated that the feeling of being out of place would disappear as soon as I enter a new, much healthier environment. While the bullying stopped and I finally get along with people, the feeling of being different, and not in a positive way, stays attached to me. 

I don't have the feeling of belonging anywhere. I used to (rather sometimes still do) think, that I am destined to be alone, because I just couldn't find anybody that I felt comfortable 

The "friendships" I had in the past, didn't hold for long nor did we normally separate on good terms due them (I am to blame) doing/saying something Unmoral and I therefore end up ending out friendship. (Obviously, not after a silly little thing, but all the actions and words built up and eventually the friendship won't hold any sort of worth for me)

I try to approach people, cautiously, but it never ends up being fulfilling and I also ruin it, because I am quite awkward and don't get along with social cues (I think the term is appropriate here). I don't get why I am forced to smile and laugh when someone else is. I should be the one deciding if something is funny or not. I feel bad for not laughing, because what if the person thinks that I am annoyed by their joke or statement? 

I also tend to sometimes speak without emotions for whatever reason. 

Well, back to the friendship dilemma. I genuinely wish I had an close irl friend that I could hang out with, also during school days and who also lives close. But that's far from reality, I live in a village and the chance that someone like that, moves to here and also attends the same school is by 23%.

Might be that I am really destined to feel alone.

-✯O⁠✯-

I am keeping this shorter. I want to rest and not let myself be bothered by it anymore. This blog serves to let out the negative thoughts and move on.

Bye-Bye(⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)