to love

tuesday march 25, 2025 - 2:04 AM

there was a time in my life where all i could feel was profound loneliness. my formative adolescent years were consumed with what was, to me, the knowledge that i was not loved. no angst. just the numb acceptance that i was truly alone in the world i inhabited. strangers, all but myself. like roaming a desert, surrounded by cacti: they do not speak and when i approach i am stung. 

i am someone who truly believes that the only way to truly be happy is to be loved. if an entity other than myself can find value in my existence then it must be so. i am now truly loved. i am loved beyond words. i have changed lives. i mean the world to some. i am their world. i am terrified of the world ceasing its orbit. i am petrified by the apocalypse.

i take comfort in the knowledge that i am loved. i am no stranger to the profound loneliness of my youth. i wish not to visit her again. but i am terrified that in my abandonment she will not only welcome me with open arms but nurture me. 

i take solace in myself. i am at peace with myself. i prefer to be loved and to love. i am a shell of myself in the face of rejection. it is not the matter of being sat into a barrel and sunk back into the well of loneliness, but rather that i was not worth loving. i was wasted. 

do i take comfort in the memory of love? it happened once, it will happen again. worth in the eyes of one, it is destiny that i find it in another.

some people stay alone forever. many will admit their disdain. many will tell you they have found comfort in themselves. they exist in satisfaction, never living in love. 

i would rather be loved. i would rather indulge and bathe and writhe in it. jump from a cliff - i could plummet to my death but knowing you will be there to save me is enough.

i want to be someone others do not want to live without. i want my love to stand the test of time, the test of memory. there is no memory if the moment never passes. i will stay in the moment. i love you. 

break my heart, plunge me into the trauma of solitude, of the complete absence of affection. i will love you for the happiness you gave me. there is no calendar. no hour. no stopwatch. no measurement of time will restrict my love. 

when my body dies, my love dies with me but time never stops and my body simply shifts to another plane and my love is eternal. my love remains eternal. it is fact, without concept, without hesitation.

i love you. i only wish to love you.