i fear social interaction

we all crave human interaction, it’s in our nature. i want to talk to people too, but i don’t know. i don’t know if i have bad social skills or hang with the wrong people but, i don’t think i fit in with anywhere.

i’ve gone through a lot, and i mean a lot of friend groups. but i always feel like i’m the punching bag friend. i’m the one that’s the “easy target”. i feel like i walk around eggshells whenever i talk to a friend. it made me begin a fear of humans, a fear for talking. i can barely go outside, because i always feel watched and judged. i think it’s because i was always around people who watched and judged me. i never knew who were the right people to hang out with. maybe i’m too sensitive, but i don’t know. i can’t be friends with anybody because of my fears. i end up pushing people away and start doing my own things because i feel scared. 

i usually do what i enjoy, by myself. i’ve always liked doing things by myself, always felt more fun being in control and doing things on your own. i would push people away just to focus on making music and art. i have a boyfriend, and i love him, so so much. but i haven’t been talking to him a lot because i’ve been working so much on music because i feel so lost at the moment. music is the only thing i have that can help me through anything right now. i’m scared to tell people how i feel about things, whenever i do, i feel like they’d say i’m being too corny or too dramatic. maybe i am. i don’t know. 

i just wish i didn’t need social interaction, and just live my life on my own. but i crave it just like any other human, i just don’t have the right people around me i think. i just wish in the future everything gets better, and i apply that to everything.