No. 6 - Why Do I Cry

10:43PM - Sunday, Mar 23]

Today was an adventure, glorious, vibrant, heartful, I went to a royal garden, my second ever concert, and a nice kebab place. Yet I came back to my perfect hostel feeling like I was not whole. I find myself listening to the song, "Why Do I Cry" by Margo Guryan because in spite of being in tears, the lyrics resonating made me feel somewhat better. 

To answer this hypothetical question, my first thought was, why do I chase love when I would not choose myself in the state I am in now? It is not a matter of loving myself (actually it is) -- aha, there it is. An example of how double-meaning drives my thought process, and speech, beneath everything. I don't know why.

Why does comparison tear me apart, yet heal so much? I understand it is deeply rooted in my childhood as a marker of worth, pardon my Asian background, and it can be both strength and weakness. I am my own comparison yet part of me itches to tell myself I am still failing at times rather than doing my best. 

Right now, I am waiting for a therapist to call me back. Is that pathetic? I don't know. I've never done this before. I've only ever lived once. Maybe I should be less harsh, but I think the reason why I don't feel whole is because I see untouched facets of my life left untouched out of seeming self-preservation, but in reality, it is because I avoid it out of (habit) fear of starting. I will change this.