So so sad 💔

All of my closest friendships have collapsed and I don't know what to do anymore :(

I've been so isolated and alone. It's been over a month. If I was more emo I'd write a song called February 17th. It would be about how sorry I am but at least I apologized for how I hurt you. It's been happening for longer than then though. 

I always know it before hand. I can tell when someone is upset, when someone doesn't like me. I've been surrounded by people like that my whole life. And I'm always right. My one fatal flaw is that I'm gullible. If I ask someone how we are, they tell me we are best friends. If I ask someone if they're mad at me, they tell me not to worry about it. If I ask someone wether I am doing something wrong, they tell me I'm not. Because people are weak, they cannot stand confrontation. They would rather not be the bad guy and tell me what's wrong. Instead they will passively distance themselves while spewing shit about you to all of their friends to justify their behavior in their minds.

I'm not a bad person, I don't think I am. I worry plenty about being good, being righteous. I can't believe anyone would assume I'd be a stubborn bitch and refuse to accept my wrongdoings. I'm not perfect but I DO care, a lot. 

Sometimes I hate it when people tell you to 'trust your gut'. I am very paranoid, it's a serious issue at this point. I'll be going around town in broad daylight on the main street and suddenly get this terrifying feeling that I'm about to get shot. It doesn't just happen that people get shot in the middle of the street where I'm from, Idk abt the rest of the world. But, yeah, my gut often tells me I am in grave danger when my right mind can see that I'm clearly not. So I don't trust my gut. But one thing I do have is pattern recognition skills. I can compare my relationships in the past to the ones in the present and pretty accurately predict certain things. Like when they are mad at me, when they're going to leave me. However I don't consider that people are liars. They don't want to hurt my feelings or cause a scene or be the bad guy so when I ask them if they are mad at me they will lie to my face. And I so often believe them. My gut might suck but my brain is working just fine. I would change the saying from 'trust your gut' to 'trust your judgement'. I guess it defeats the original purpose of it but my gut is just messed up asf lol. 

I guess I'm just mad. There's no point to this other than, well, I can and I've really got no one else to tell right now. In a way I wish I could say lots of this to them, to her. I'm no better then, a coward. At least it's only hurting me.