G-d's chosen & it still sucks.

Less than 0.5% of people in the world are G-d's chosen.

But does it make me feel any less worthless? NO! I'm still worthless and lonely and sad and victim of hate. Even though as someone who came to believe in Judaism, not by birthright but by soul, I might be considered G-d's chosen. 

Oh why oh why does being G-d's chosen make your life so miserable? Instead of being treated with respect the only thing you are treated with is antisemitism. 

And do not get me wrong, of course I don't advocate for how many Jewish people make themselves ALWAYS the victim (ekhm Palestine). I do not fully advocate for neither Israel or Palestine - I believe in calm negotations without genocide, terrorism or threats, on BOTH sides. I believe both nations should coexist. Sadly, in the world we live in we are surrounded by hate and violence and I doubt it can be done.

You know, I just wish we could all coexist. Whether you're Christian & European, Arab & Muslim, or Jewish, or Asian, or Indian, or African, or whatever race, religion, orientation... 

"With great power comes great responsibility"

Us, gerim, we don't choose to "become" Jews. We are G-d's chosen. It's not like we wake up one day & think "Hey, I think I'm actually a Jew!. It's much more complicated. Months of intense, sometimes obsessive thinking. Months of this little thought stuck inside your head. It's not you that changes, it's the part of the soul that experiences an epiphany. Gerim were actually Jews since forever, the thing is - they didn't know. They came to the conclusion through research, through epiphany, through the weird unexplainable feelings you can get.

For instance, ever since I started watching South Park I felt this weird connection with Kyle, especially during the "Lonely Jew on Christmas" song. It's like I've... been there before. Like it just felt familiar. I could not explain it, I didn't know why. Then I did research, only to realise that I view Judaism as... true. That I'm drawn to Jewish culture and I feel my heart skip a beat anytime I see something Jewish. It's such an... otherworldly feeling. But it is accompanied by uncertainty. By fear. 2 days ago I was feeling sad so I decided to go to that one teeny tiny Jewish area in my city. I didn't know if it was open so I didn't enter, also the synagogue is closed I think :(, but I just sat there, looked at the menorah symbol, and just confessed all that I've been feeling to G-d. But it only lasted a few minutes, because once I saw someone coming I ran away - it was dark, what if that person noticed what I was doing and hurt me? Now that I'm writing about it, I kind of feel like going there again. This place is just so comforting. I took a picture of it once & posted it on my Instagram with just one caption: "hope.". 

Recently I broke a decoration I made in hail of a pagan goddess. It felt weird. But I knew I had to do it. Of course, I don't have anything against pagans. Jews, unlike Christians and some Muslims believe that it's great if you believe, but it's better to be a righteous "goy" rather than an evil Jew. Maybe except Rabbi Avraham Baruch, but that dude is just a rare example of Jewish extremism. Orthodox Jewish women cover their hair after marriage but I've noticed that they understand if someone else doesn't do that or only covers their hair halfway. I myself am not married nor Orthodox, but I cover my hair halfway solely because I find it comforting & appropriate. What I've noticed is also that Muslim women, the ones who are Muslim by choice, they don't push anyone to wear hijab. I think it's beautiful to see a Hijabi woman who wears it with pride and chose to do so. I think it's sad when she's forced by the state. I think it's sad when religious views are being forced upon anyone. I think it's sad that I have to hide what I've experienced because I know I'd get ridiculed, maybe even assaulted or killed. 

And really, I can't handle change. I would not CHOOSE to believe in Judaism. It wasn't my choice to change religions. I fought it with all my will. This is what I understand by this entry's title. G-d's chosen. It wasn't my choice, but there was a choice I made - to accept & embrace it. To suffer through the pain despite all this because I know that no matter how hard I fight it, it WONT just go away and disappear. I'm (probably) a Jew. Hard to accept, but that's the whole idea, as MSI said.