my heart beats but only when you are around

Sometimes, I truly start to wonder if I am abusing my own heart. I choose to pursue actions and decisions that I know will have disappointing outcomes, but I do them anyway. I suppose I am so desperate to feel something other than grief and despair that I continue to allow myself to communicate problems to someone with a brick wall separating our minds. It is as if I am screaming at the ocean, praying to be heard among the crashing waves against the rocks. I yearn for a life where I can finally say, "I don't want to talk about it", when I am asked what is wrong. I wish for a time where I can keep my mouth shut and my thoughts in my head. I know you love me, but I also know that whenever I try to communicate my concerns, we create a conflict that we do not want. It is easier like this, is it not?

I am desperate to fill the void in my soul, one that is so painfully desperate for a love I won't find. One that is aching for the warmth of one's hands. I know who I want. My heart is sure of it. I want him. But at what cost? We are both damaged in separate ways. Sometimes our minds clash. We love each other, but why is it that I love you more? I beg, I cry for you to try and do better. For us. You know there is nothing I want more than you. You claim to have an undying, unwavering love for me. Yet you choose to put us in difficult situations that never needed to exist. All because I wanted to fix us.

My heart will continue to yearn for you. There will never be a moment where it does not beat for you. And I am okay with that. Because I love you. Even if I am hurting myself, continuously, endlessly, relentlessly. I refuse to give up on you.