#29 - WOUNDS

I prayed to God to help me remember, or give me a sign on how to remember... I think He answered, because I don't know how else to describe what happened next.

When I woke up for Suhur, I started remembering someone... Clover. No, not the kid with a gun from Undertale Yellow, that's her name. 

This entry ishard to write, because it's hard to describe my feelings in pure words, as I'm more used to describing thoughts. I'm usually not so emotional, but this is an exception. Anyway, time to open up these old wounds again (le epic title drop).

I remember when we first met, we came across each other and sat by the water, talking. She was a very sweet girl, and uh... Well, we hanged out for a bit after that, and then some time passed and we met again. 

She made quite the impact on me, because she makes me feel... Something. Not quite sure what, but I'll try describing it. It was like she brought a sort of serenity to me. She wasn't very demanding nor obnoxious, and she was very empathetic and humble. Very, very compassionate, loving others more than herself, perhaps to a fault. 

I guess this is why so many people liked her, but I can't help but think... Is it because of this that she's so fragile and sensitive? Her feelings were very easy to hurt, and although we would all feel sorry for her, she never went out of her way to ask for help nor seek validation. So, so selfless. We can't help but worry for her.

I even remember that Efe and one of my friends, I forgot the name of, they were both Turkish and talking to each other. Efe didn't speak English, and she was asking what they were saying. I'm paraphrasing, but he said something like "Efe doesn't like foreigners a lot, but I'm convincing her that your the nicest foreigner I've ever met!" She was quite flattered really. Efe is a big jerk though, but that's a whole other can of worms.

The empathy one really sticks out to me now. I used to have it, but abandoned it because it's burdening. You feel others pain, but to what gain of your own? At a certain point, I got desensitized to it all. 

I remember when me and her were talking with one of our friends, and he was really going through a lot and she was very comforting to him. He pointed out how she's very empathetic, she asked if that was bad, and he said the problem with this world is a lack of empathy. That this is what causes pain. 

I can't help but contemplate... Is he right? Is this why God reminded me of this? That I need to remember other people's pain due to my actions? That this is the way to avoid sin? I don't know... There are still sins you can commit that harm none but yourself.

But anyway, I remember one more memory with her as of writing, perhaps if I remember more or make more memories, I'll write more about her. It went something like this: Me, Clover, and another of our friends were chatting with each other. Suddenly, my friend asks to speak with her in private. She is very anxious, but I tell her that things will be alright since he's our friend.

Some time passes by, and she comes back to me crying. She's too emotional to answer, so I ask my friend what happened, and he said he refused to answer. He kept saying I don't want to know what happened. That whatever happened was very bad. I can't help but feel guilty... I should've protected her. Why did I trust him? But at the same time, there's no way I could have known that this would have happened.

Is this another lesson God is reminding me of? To be wary and skeptical? Always question, even yourself? That this is the way to avoid sin? Perhaps... But there are some things which you must have faith in. If this is what God wanted me to take away from that, then I guess the only One I can have faith in is God. It's safe to say though that thinking before you act is an easy way to catch yourself before sinning.

We met a few times after that, and then... Poof. No word of her for months. I can't help but worry over her, but maybe we'll meet again when 2.8 drops ;) Anyway, I should also note there is someone else that I remember, but I only met him once and he made me feel quite similar to Clover, even if his personality was quite different. If you want, I can talk about him, but there's not much I have to say. 

Enough of my ramblings though, stay safe and God be with you.