rickety 3-19-2025

my joints are so rickety, i swear i pop every joint when i wake up in the morning. turns out i need surgery on my left knee, so that'll happen in early June. thankfully my wonderful wonderful boyfriend will be coming down to care for me during that time. i dislocated the knee in 2017 and apparently tore my acl, which was never corrected or fixed. this led to my meniscus compensating for stability and eventually tearing (cause that's not what it's made for) which is what I've been dealing with since late last year. hoping after surgery that i 1) have a permanent fix so i can do all the things i want to (!) and 2) am not completely broke lol 

other than that, i seem to be losing friends left and right. my online ones anyway. this seems to be a trend since i started therapy, but i think i'm learning to set boundaries and so while these losses hurt they're overall better for my being in the long run as a painful choice i have to make. one thing i've learned i do is leave the door open for people to repair things, but many never choose to walk through that until much time has passed. for me this means during this time, i have this (codependent) expectation that they will try to amend things because surely i was as important to them as they were to me, but a larger part of me now is learning to just be okay with whatever outcome occurs. i know the reasons i made my choices. those choices are always based in a decision to not abandon myself.. they are based in self love. knowing what i deserve in my close friendships and relationships.

so, it's okay. its good, even. i'm in a place i haven't been in a long time, maybe ever honestly given what i dealt with growing up. if people don't wish to repair, that is their choice and it's not on me to determine the value of myself to another person. i love them anyway and always will. i am enough, on my own, and sometimes to others as well. but especially on my own. when i am alone with myself and my thoughts, i love myself. i wouldn't trade this newfound connection with myself for anything.

its my boyfriends birthday on friday, i can't wait to give him his gift. i hope he likes it. <3 he's moving in with me in august. i both love the special chapter we're in right now and also can't wait for it to close so we can not be 500 miles away. but i do cherish this time. being with him is so easy. 

thats all for now. xx