creatures and identity

for as long as i can remember, in real life and later online, i have associated myself with snails. they're my favorite animals and i have always seen qualities of myself in them. 

but the more i think about my childhood, i realize this might not have been a good thing.

i believe that as i was growing up i internalized all the negative traits that were associated with snails. always slow, with little sense of time, unable to see much other than light and darkness. when i sense something unfamiliar, i withdraw into my shell. my shell holds my heart and it grows with me, and while it does protect me it's also brittle and will crack if hit hard enough. it's very descriptive of certain aspects of me, including some things that i'm trying to work on. there are lots of wonderful things about snails too, to be sure. but when you're growing up feeling alienated from others it's easy to latch onto the worst parts of yourself and internalize them to the point where it becomes how you define yourself as a person to other people.

i very clearly remember telling others that my favorite animals were snails because "i was slow" or that i "like hiding". like it was almost a point of pride for me. yes, these are parts of me as a real and flawed human being, but i realized that i don't need to let them define how i present myself to others, especially online when my inability to do certain things well irl doesn't mean much.

it feels weird to say that associating myself with snails might have been bad for me, especially since i still love them and feel a connection with them. there are plenty of people who have favorite animals and don't personally associate with them to this degree. but idk. i've always found traits in creatures, whether real or imaginary, that appeal to me in a way that people don't. they make it easier for me to describe how i feel.

in the past few months i have found that associating myself with dragons has been better for me mentally. aside from having a near lifelong affinity for dragons, i see a lot of transgender allegories in the whole concept of dragons themselves which i find helpful and inspiring in my experience. there are lots of myths and legends of things becoming dragons or being part dragon which gives them mystical qualities. like fish who are able to climb up waterfalls can become dragons for example. i also appreciate how dragons can be almost anything, like the diversity of trans experiences and queerness in general. there is no one size fits all way to be trans, like i used to think before i came out.

it seems weird to say that a different url has improved my self-esteem but it feels good looking at my spacehey and seeing my url with the name "tapedragon". (the tape means magnetic tape. not tapeworms. fuck why did i think of that) also if i ever wanna change my first name or go by more than one name (i'm not planning to. but just in case) it won't be an issue because i'll always be tapedragon.

idk if this is cheesy but i kinda don't care.

i think what i've learned recently can be summarized like this:

like a dragon, i will transform into my truest self. but like a snail, i will take my time getting there.

if anybody else has a similar experience with tying animals or creatures to their identity (for personal not cultural reasons) i would love to hear your experience.