18-3-25, Tuesday

Trigger warning

Käfer breakdown, violent actions/thoughts toward self and others

08:31

History class teaches us how to protest. Its supposed to be about desegregation, but there is heavy emphasis and detail on ways to protest as a people. I wonder if our teacher chose to teach it like this for a reason. Its great to see how much power we hold as individuals together. As the citizens. Even as individuals individually - MLK was a person too. The person in front of me is eating. It makes me mad. Ima move.

People didnt believe in black people's rights. The idea was met woth so much resistance. Dr. King was in jail at some point. A person with charisma and persuasion can get us so far. Unite us. Imagine it just now! I suppose there are plenty of people in social media. But we just arent in the same place, as their followers. All around the country, all around the globe. 

It feels surreal, this D Day thing, and the day after it. The people interviewed say they were happy to be arrested. It feels like the protesting dream one would have, and everybody would tell them its cant be true. The dogs. 

Dr. King had the confidence in his ideas to speak them to so many. To send kids to volunteer to go to jail. That's interesting. That sounds risky, dangerous, but hey, it worked. Rights. Something you might notice we still have quite a lack of, especially as minors. As trans minors, as people with special needs and disabilities. As people forced into school. We need some of this protesting stuff. I wanna wear my headphones when I need it. I want the cafeteria to feed me food that isn't hazardous. Hell, I want the cafeteria to feed me food I can have as a prediabetic. Best theyve got is breaded chicken nuggets. I want it to let me learn something useful instead of forcing me into calculus. I want school to teach in a way where I can fucking learn! 

Give me something to do with my hands man. Something for me to discover and learn from experience. But, hey, that's college. Highschool is about forcing me into obedience. Taking the man out of me and putting the system in my heart. College is about becoming a person in the system. Doesnt that just

Not work? not be doing good for anybody at all? Other than fucking Jeffery Bezos and whoever else profits off of peoples misery?

20:15

I did it again. My arm hurts bad. I compressed it with my bandana and covered that with medical tape. Ill wash it off once im better. 90 or so spots of red on my carpet. The liquid is so thick in some places that it doesnt even absorb. Lays on the carpet like a gelatinous goo. My hand is stained sticky red.

I think doki doki literature club affected me more than I remember. We just went through the Yuri scene. I had a small argument with my dad. Opened up too much about my future plans. Got too upset for something so routine. I do not concent to my autonomy thrown out so casually. I do not. I do not. My arm hurts bad.

My mom asks why I blame everything on her. Someone knocks on my door. Why did I go so harshly on my arm all of the sudden? I didn't even feel it much at first. I am more unstable than I thought. Its a proof how bad they hurt me. No matter what they say, I can turn their words into color changing stripes. Red, brown, pink, white. Like a healing little rainbow. A proof of the harm they bring upon me. I don't know if it's best for me to have comfort or to sit with it.

As a child, I want pity, understanding, care. Something my father has substituted with incompetence and harsh judgement. With denial and belittling. With comparisons to my abuser. If I am upset, and I let it seep through the cracks of my broken fingers, I am like her.

I want to cry into Gir's shoulder and have her comfort me. I want her to see how stark the situation is. I want her, anyone that matters, for once to look at me and be surprised. Be disturbed. Not tell me that its normal, that I need to get over it. Like, what the fuck man. Can't be so fucking hand to be nice. Cant be that hard not to mock a dream. And then they wonder why I do not share with them.

Anything exposed. Any vulnerability. Is a point for attack.

It is simply and plainly a danger, a threat. 

It is just something to fucking mock.

Caps lock will not express my pain anymore. Cutting a river of blood does not express my anger. A simple statement cannot state my fear, disgust, distrust.

help me, get me out of here.

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday.

20:38

I tried telling Girish. She is awful with context clues. Should've known from her struggle with the poem analysises. I suppose it was a try.

I just wish someone could see. Could pity me. See how bad it is. Be horrified. Tell me I'm just a child. Tell me I need better. Tell me they will take me somewhere better.

They just tell me its normal. "Oh yeah, I do that too sometimes"

None of this is humane. A wild animal has more opprotunity than this. An ancient folk had more kindness for each other.

I used to have JJ. Retter and Stark - their OCs, later their alters. My fathers. They were perfect. Id cry to them at every inconvenience and theyd shower me with unconditional love. Theyd know how to comfort me.

I want my parents gone from the picture. They dont respect me. They don't think I'm a person. They think I am in a diaper, still, and they never will take me seriously - so to me they shall be dead. They should've been dead a long time ago.

If I were a kid, I'd shine a UV light onto their skin to hope to damage the p53 gene. Id feel comfort in it all falling apart. They managed to be awful beyond comprehension and normal enough to make everyone believe thats what they are normal. Themselves and me included.

it might be good for your mental health.