To be disgusting

my joy is fleeting,,,,, whenever I admit I feel good ,, the feeling is immediately replaced by immense dread. I think it's dread,...  And every time I try to think about it ..... I lose all sense of emotion. its like how you see faces swirling around in your peripheral vision, then when you try to look at them they melt into nothing

Blogging was a way to process each day and come into contact with all that I feel,.. including the negative. Now I can only dance around the things I want to explore.

I don't know if my person is disintegrating  or I'm losing my ability to reflect. Or maybe im just out of practice

Yesterday I reached into my bag to grab my laptop but instead got a paper cut  from the millions of loose sheets that I stuff into my books. Its not that I don't care about my schoolwork

 ----  At least I hope I care

But Im simply lacking in stationary. I lost my glue stick a while back and it feels pathetic to be cutting and gluing in my final year of high school, so I never replaced it. 

Across the canal is a house with walls made of various materials; a colourful range of corrugated iron, sheets of plywood, and recycled bricks. The backyard is overgrown, with plant pots littered around the edges. I can see over the chain link fence if I stand on a pile of dirt.

Yet all I can think about is myself

Lots of love,

Lily

and maybe I'll quit if you stick around