Miyuki's thoughts

Hey,

I'm not very proud to talk about it and I disgusted myself because of it... But I always crave/need a male attention. Not in a pick me way , just I don't feel loved (most of time by a male person) and I feel like I NEED it. Is it weird? Probably. But I can't help it. I even felt jealous of the flirt of a male friend just because I'm scared he left me for her and don't give me any attention. I don't know what's love anymore. Why am I like this ? I hate myself for being so jealous and desesperate. If people knew... Would they understand or reject me ? I just need a hug but I hate physical contact and I'm too shy to ask for it to any of my male friends... I'm a real puppy whenI love. And there is that guy who's weird with me. I'm just a friend but he's very touchy sometimes , he teases me and makes fun of me. And some days he ignores me. Like... Are you playing with me ? Or do I make myself scenario? Maybe all this time I imagined things , I changed things or maybe I made it romantic in my head. Ugh... I hate love. But I'm so in love with it too. It makes me happy and destroys me too. Why can't I just love myself ? Do I really need a guy to prove me I'm not ugly or boring. I feel dumb. I am dumb. Why people keep talking to me ? Do they pity me ? I wish I could just feel loved again... I miss my first love... Being loved makes me beautiful and confident. But now... I'm a mess. I'll never be THAT girl... I'm the shy one , not even a second choice just not a choice at all , just a good friend , just a weird girl , just the friend of... just the sister of... just... this. A weirdo... I wan't to be normal , I wan't to be brune with straight hair.. To be skinny , smart , clean girl , organised , confident , popular... Why I'm so... different ? Nobody cares about me... I don't even care about me. I wish I could just stop everything. Time fix things... But it's been years I'm sad , sometimes I'm wondering if I don't even have a bit of depression. Why can't it stop ? I never learn ? I'm stupid. Sorry if reading this makes you uncomfortable. Well thank you to read it. I guess that's a normal mind for a 15yo girl... I can't be the only one like this... right ? People looks so happy. But I feel it... Their sadness hurt my heart and makes me want to cry for them.. for him. 

Anyways , sorry for bothering you stranger(s). That was only Miyuki's thoughts... I had a bad day , I hope tomorrow will be better. I'm tired of crying everydays.