17-3-25, Monday

Bob's alarm woke me up. I relaxed, draw a bit. It was dark for a long time. I heard the crows before I heard them. I don't know what it is about their calls, but out of all the sounds in the world, that is the one I can always make out.

I successfully skipped most of first period - my main office has mistakenly sent me off to the testing room early. I tried to sew my shoe together, but figured its most practical to super-glue it.

8:50

Testing went well, I used my new earplugs. They worked very well. If my headphones break, that is what im using, and ill be okay. 

I had left the lunch hallway after Legend came to visit. I let with a maintained sense of clarity, but a heavy gentleness. Whether it was a sense grief or relaxation, I couldn't tell you. But I know for a fact Legend has to do with it. He messes with my brain chemicals easily.

12:45

Bio made me fall asleep again. The coffee is getting to me, making me more paranoid than functional. I turn at every unexpected sound around. This is not a cost I want to pay for school of all things. School does not get my health. I will not let it.

Physics class makes me guilty. Im thinking about legend a lot again. I worry he may be watching. Maybe even debating the thing with Omori. Im scared, honestly. Nervous at least.

13:22

Im really sleepy and hungry. Everything in my system wants comfort. I think I had a dream of being cared about. I think it was really nice. I like being treated like a shelter dog of a human. With respect, of course. Its oddly difficult to obtain what I seek as a human. All I want is peace, understanding, comfort, and to be treated like the capable, competent person I am. Not a car, not a big house, not a fancy amount of food

13:40 

I see Bingo passing by. They dont talk to me much anymore. I would never ask them to. 

Im glad they have other friends, but I'm concerned about whether they know that they're kinda losing me. I don't feel cared about or valued at all. We used to both help each other. Now I feel like a nuisance or a burden in their life instead. I show up sometimes, mostly to see their family. They dont seem to value me being there at all. I get the feeling they might want me gone from the house, but they insist they dont care.

I dont know if thats better or worse, that they dont care if im there. Because they demand I talk to them by always being by me and never leaving to do their own thing, and let me do mine. I want to get closer to their family, and the family members do too, but Mimay keeps me away. Doesnt let me talk to a lot of family members alone, afraid of what they'll tell me. Scolds others for sharing personal stories. I will never question such a boundary, but I couldn't say that it doesn't sting.

It's definitely them just being more open with me and kinda done with life recently. Maybe they don't want to talk to anyone. Maybe there are others who support them more, that they'd rather hang out with.

Previous interactions make me think I'm still a valuable person to them. But I will not let a neglectful friendship like this be so close to me. Sorry, Bingo. I won't let go now. I assume it's just a hard time and move on. But this isnt really going well, i'll say that now.

I hope you are okay and wish you well.

15:08

We took the bus home. Later I made milk tea. Packed a lot of clothes for the clothing swap. I speak irregular nonsense impulsively. I do that at night, especially when my blood sugar is high or I have unresolved feelings. Which I think I do have, because I keep getting into distracting conversations. Or its just my media addiction running. Either way, someone is definitely not too enthused about it. But he is a patient man. Ill do better, I swear, little by little. Thank you for choosing to guide me.

22:25

It's really easy to send me into a panicked state with alarms. Corpse's sirenhead starts with an imitated EAS warning. This is not a drill. I know it' s just a song - I heard it countless times. But I am so ready to grab all my things and flee to the basement. Duck and cover. Run from the house. I used to worry about EAS alarms catching me off guard - playing at night, say. Oh but oh my god I am so scared of them. But, really the fear is functional at that point. It is better to be woken up in absolute shock and movement than to sleep and die in some natural disaster. I like them now. I trust them. The words "this is not a drill" still stick to me. Just playing the alarm sound itself will make me really alert.

Thanks, corpse. Sirenhead, sirenhead, sirenhead, sirenhead, its 23:21 and ima head to bed.