Take my tears and use them to wash your soul

I hate being so emotional sometimes. This is one of those times. 

My band teacher from my old school texted me this evening (don't make it weird, he has my phone number from when I got sick on a field trip). He's going to be in my city next Sunday and wants to meet up so I can finally return my instrument. I agreed because I've been needing to return it since I moved cities in August. I haven't played it since my last day of school in May, my final month before I left. 

I'm torn. I know I need to give it back as it's not my property, but once it's gone, i won't have any ties to my old life anymore. It has collected dust in my room's corner, but it brings me memories and comforts me from it's incarceration. I'm not ready yet to let go. I really miss my home. I miss my friends, my school, my family (kind of), my cat, my one room apartment I lived in for a whole 11 years. I've been gone for about 8 months, but no amount of time and healing will weigh against my memories, my heartache. 

I absolutely hate my new city. Everything about it. There's nothing good except I have a roof over my head, new pets in my home, a sense of peace. 

A life of stability in exchange for loneliness and boredom.

I live in the more.. Desert? Region of California. The area where nobody wants to live at and only drive past to go to LA or Nevada. People here are so bored and plagued by the heat. There's nothing to do at all, so people just do illegal shit, act super rude, and be very, very conservative. Like, it feels as if I'm living in the fucking Bible Belt, but no I'm on the West Coast. I'm officially a gay kid in a conservative town lmaooooo. 

I have like... One friend at school. One person that I consider a friend, and his other friends who I don't see as mine because I don't like any. They're strange, and not the good type. I don't feel included at all, and even with a "friend group" I feel lonelier with them because I hardly get to speak and I don't have much in common other than similar classes and the reason we talk. I've never felt this lonely in my life. At my old school, sure I was shy and anxious, I'm that type of person. But even then I had many friends . Throughout my 3 different schools (elementary, middle, freshman year) , I've always had people I liked, people who understood me and loved me dearly. I'm still good friends with the ones that stuck by with me all these years. So it's difficult getting adjusted to this forever emptiness I gain every single morning. I don't understand it, why doesn't anyone want to be my friend??? I spent my first full month at school being so, so alone, crying at night because even though I did try my best as a new kid could, nobody wanted to reciprocate. I'm not an awful person. I know there's nothing wrong with me and I know it. There's nobody that I like at school honestly, so I've stopped trying to make friends. Everyone absolutely sucks and there's nobody that captures my interest. 

So I guess I'll spend the next two months being lonely at school, repeating the cycle until summer finally comes.