good things and also panicking???WHAT THE FUCK!!!1

OK SO THINGS I WANTED TO KINDA BREAK DOWN FOR MYSELF IM KINDA ALL OVER THE PLACE SO IM GONNA MAKE THIS PROFESSIONAL AND MAKE A LIST FIRST

• hangout today
• miss my friends!!!
• weight loss
• need to get high again
• good things on feeling more social
• is this tmi?????wait no not rlly it shouldnt be my period came back after probably 2 years

fresh on my mind rn is WEIGHT LOSS!!!! im so fucking fat im gonna KILL MYSELF!!!! Im pretty insecure ab my face shape bc im so chronic asian round face syndrome and my lips r so small and my fuckass mono eyelid eyes or whatever RAHHH so I tried a contour stick i got from sephora while doing my makeup today for a hangout and honestly call me blind and aloof but i couldnt rlly tell?? that much???idk if i did it right but i just couldnt tell and i figured "oh its bc it looks natural or smth" so i just didnt gaf and left 

but anyways i thought i loooked good but also makeup erases after a few hrs OBVIOUSLY. and holy shit i look so fucking fat in the pictures my friend took should i kill myself??? WTF???? why do pictures do that????????? like i look in the mirror and im like wowza what a baddie u look like jimin and then I look at my fucking pictures and then its like the biggiest bomboclat from town r u fucking srs. MAN. My face only looks good at a certain angle and i have to wear certain colors and fits to look good what the hell. should i just always keep a 3/4 angle w my face whenever i talk to ppl or smth im gonna KILL MYSELF!

ok ik i just ate and this is at night and i havent been paying too much attention to what ive been eating likle i had wingstop yesterday and everything but tell me why im on the BRINK of turing 140 lbs again?????????????should i kill myself like whaty is this?????????????????????????????I saw those numbers and I literally wanted to throw up everything I ate today but obv i wont do that bc i dont want an ed! I HAVE TO LOCK IN ON CALORIE DEFICIT but also fucking exercising i havent exercised in probably a week???????? wait i fucking fell off bruh like honestly i think academically locking out is like whatver but i have to lock in on this like this is important like for aesthetic purposes too but also health reasons!!! guys?? idk if this is tmi i dont think it is like i hate my chest its my fucking juggly jigglebomb bombaclat boobs that ruin my sillhouette bruh also i jsut have a biggy rib cage in general which would be FINE if i just didnt have a chest but YEAH! Theres the thing with having to lose weight so that my chets gets hopefully smaller too but I need to get a new chest binder because the one i have is so loose....I've been wearing a sport bra underneath it in addition but i dont think it does much but it still suffocates me more. i should order a new binder before i leave for college...ugh....

also maybe theres some water weight included??? My period came back after 2 years and im assuming it has smth to do with weight loss??i was lowk worried because i saw on reddit or smth that if u dont regularly have periods u get an increased chance of cancer or smth idk. but before i knew that i was literally so happy like wow less dysphoria and also no hassle and stuff!! but i also have a theory that maybe the hormone balances bc of my lack of periods has been fucking me over??like i do have a faint mustache and i thinkkkk it mightve been the hormone imbalance. Uhghh as much as I hate it I probably want a regular period schedule back to balance my hormones...then maybe my acne will go away more and less mood swings???potentially???

Really hate how gyatted i am too bruh it got a little better after I lost a few pounds but man....................FUCK MY GYATT LIFE!!! AAAUUGHHH.....but also I saw this tweet about lesbians liking gyatted mascs is this true???? if this is true then i might be a little less insecure tbh ^_^ well ik its a case by case thing and ppl have different preferences but ya...idk what im saying tbh!

i have to lose weight though ive made 0 progress for like almost a whole month bc i got too comfy in my skin...i need to fucking lock in for my health like eat better exercise regularly and more fix my posturee stretch regularly sleep good all of that

should i be crazy and try half of the sketchy ebay pills...tbh i might!! im thinking worst case scenario i throw up or something. ig i can try like half and see what happens??? call me STEM major the way i be experimenting

----

Ok and the hangout today!

so fun! a bit of friction initally and also i had this feeling where I felt like I was back in middle school. it was just this awkward brainrotted atmosphere and headspace I was in. Ive went to little tokyo a few times with a different friend group and i always felt like we were so normal and then w the group today it was like honestly so much second hand embarrassment caused by both me and other ppl but also i think i did laugh way more. ughib tbh it was a bit stressful! i really like all the pictures we took though they look great!!! and i love posting on insta story like wow guys i hang out w these ppl do u see that???yall see that?????

i think there were just a couple of these awkward or sorta tense moments bc everyone was kind of on edge since we were far maybe...like at least i was a bitttt on edge bc i was focused on trying to keep everyone engaged and to eliminate empty intervals in the hangout like I wanted to rlly make sure this hangout was especially more structured!!!! bc its a special hangout!!!!! and theres a couple faces that i barely talk to!!!! there were some mistakes on my hand tbh like i almsot crashed out one specific time bc i felt like i was being pestered i was honestly holding a mouthful of words back but I locked in and tried to ease everything back!!! which im glad i did!!!! but I think i let my anger spill out a bit which I mean i have mixed feelings on. like i think its important to communicate it but also i dont think it rlly went through...and maybe it was kind of in vain then??? idk if it wouldve been better if I just switched my tone to be super serious and said "stop. this is getting kinda annoying" but also i feel like that wouldve brought the mood down so that probably wasnt the right choice to make in the moment either. idk. random frictional moments just happen sometimes obviously! and i feel like the people you know kind of switch personalities when u see them outside of school...so yk...its just that...the more different the person the more you learn!!! 

but in these slightly stressful moments w the hangout today I was kinda thinking ab my friends in college!!! i miss them and also ive been just thinking ab them more bc i think theyre all crashing out more everyday whenever I check on them or see their stories and like honestly me too and idk i just want everything to go well for them and i just feel bad brah none of them deserve this and ik college is hard but yk. like it looks hard. i just hope that their headspace clears up more soon maybe when spring break begins??? ughjh i miss them i wish i can see them in person and give all of them a big hug because i think theyre all doing well as in...maybe not emotionally but like theyre struggling on and they havent given up and i feel like this whole process of college is sucking out all of their energy but they still wake up everyday and stuff?????like idfk i think theyre all great people i wish they really really knew that the people around them really love them for who they are if it would help them at least a little...like i hope they dont get low self-esteem thats rlly it!!!and ik thats kind of unavoidable bruh like imposter syndrome and everything but yk like idfkDAAAUAGHHH IDKIKDIDKDIKD!!!!!!!!!! I love them so much though i wish they knew that i wish i could really communicate it like yeah i can send them a longass cheesy corny text but i feel like thats so shallow like i really really really mean it i really like UGH FUCKKKKKKk I need to say these thinsg OUTR LOUD with them LITERALLY IN FRONT OF ME OR IT HAS NO MEANING IDFK MAN. I MISS ALL OF THEM!!!!! I hope we can all do some kind of reunion meeting but also evberyone's spring break schedule's kind of all over the place and yeah....man they have it hard bruh and thats gonna be me next year...man...................thats why i need to make good habits now...aauaghh.....

ugh the crossfade from yesterday is still fresh in my memory and it was so magical and fun and zen that honestly ive been kind of thinking about it the whole day. i keep mentally chasing that feeling like i was in the shower and i was like "man this shower would be so good rn if i was high" omfg. i said it on my blog yesterday too but ims till in this kind of giddy phase about weed because that was like my first high ever and like everything was so new that it left a strong impression and stuff. Im craving it hard again rn but also im rational ab the fact ab how this could lead to unhealthy dependence on it and stuff and whatever and also its gonna hit less and less when i keep doing it...its like melatonin bruh....ugh i really wish i was high again rn though there was still so many things I wanted to try while I was there like i wanted to try watching a movie, listening to a bunch of music, play yume 2kki, talk w my friends like all of those i rlly wanted to see how itll impact the experience. MAN. but yeah probably at least not for a while. it is probably a good thing weed is not within accessible reach to me at the moment. 

honestly! i was just thinking that the hangout mightve been more fun if i was high but also ig that really wouldnt be me hanging out there! or smth! idk! lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------------

in general ive been just in a good mood like for the most part/?? everything's been going good i feel more social at school. The really annoying girl in physics who keeps whoring (metaphorical) around with my friends got on my nerves so I decided to just fight back by not budging when she randomly joins in a convo she is uninvited to!!! I've been just trying to be more loud and talkative at school. I have figured out some kind of cognitive pathway to somehow channeling my anger into being more socially engaged and funny instead of just getting rlly quiet and glarey which I think is good!!! And also ive been just more passive agressive + smiley at people and i feel like its been working well for me so ykw!!!! I'll give myself kudos for that!!! need to think more rationally about what benefits me and cost-benefit analysis and stuffd or wueva

------------------------

and ok that about wraps it up for all of the primary thoughts that were clogged in my head recently!!! I would say more thinsg but also i kinda forgot about them while i was typing

idk what im gonna do tmr

i need to do ucla scholarships but also have tons of fun and try new stuff and also eat healthier and exercise and ok i think i actually have a general idea for what im gonna do tmr

a bit sleepy thoyugh im gonna go to bed?? i guess