~ to be loved is to be seen ~

~my earliest memory of my need for validation probably dates back to when i was about 8 years old, the moment i realized my true superpower: making people laugh. it was a restless humid night during the summertime in tennessee. my mom was out for the night, likely working the bar and partying, as she often did.. but i was spending the evening with my older brother and sister, along with our cousins. we were all in the living room talking and avoiding sleep.. i can’t remember the exact words or what i was doing, but i do remember a moment when time seemed to stop almost. i looked around the room, and everyone was smiling from ear to ear, eyes full of joy i had never seen from them before. i had made them laugh.. like really laugh; and it felt amazing. the kind of joy i saw in their faces made me feel powerful, like i had finally unlocked a way to connect with them in a way i never had before. and from that moment marked the beginning of a pattern. making others laugh, making them feel good, became my new purpose. even if it meant doing so at my own expense, i was hooked. the more i made them smile, the more i craved that feeling.. the sense of belonging, of being needed, of being the one who could make it all okay, if only for a moment..~