depres

14.3.25

hey im typing using my kindle book web browser rn because i do not wish to burden my hands with more writing.

i am so odd. out of place. i wish i could be a part of an inclusive group, and have inclusive friends. i wish to be noticed.

i might just be selfish. i have so many friends, and i know people are jealous of me for it. 

how come i still end up alone?

a friend to all is a friend to none. i only really understood that now.

i could be so outgoing and joyful and kind, but i cant seem to enhance any of my friendships. its like we'll be surface level forever.

i know people would do anything to have many friends. i did everything for that, i understand.

i changed my personality, my body language, speech mannerisms, and way more. all to befriend everyone

but even though i felt that accomplishment and glee for my life goal, it was only brief. i soon realised that this isnt what i truly wanted.

i took my close relationships for granted

i never knew how lonely and isolating it could be by not having a best friend. by not having a shoulder to lean on, no person to tell my latest achievements, nobody there to call my bestfriends.

its normal for everybody to have that one person that they can always go to. its normal to have your own bestfriend. am i not normal?

why dont i have anyone? 

i want my own bestfriend. i'd hug them. why am i tearing up. i bavent hugged anyone with any real emotions since 4 years ago. i stopped because she didint like my hugs. so i started to hate hugs too. but all i want right now is a hug from anyone who will trust me. im selfish, but i want them to trust only me. my very own bestfriend. someone i can be excited to talk with. right now, its depressing, bedcause why am i saying that "i cant wait to write in my diary" instead of looking forward to spill the tea to my bff? like a real teenage girl? 

i even see the most quiet, bullied girl having a bsf. am i really not good enough? what more can i do? 

i stopped being quiet, because apparently thats weird. i stopped talking about nerdy interess, because thats weird too. i stopped being truly happy, just to have a good reputation in hell (school), and i still cant make a bestfriend

damn nobody would think of me as their no.1 person. im just like, a background character, at the sides, available for your vent talks and boredom passing. 

ugh

i watched my own bestfriend slowly replace me. i cant do anything about it. im jealous. i look at them two and wish that that girl was me. laughing with my oldbsf. but im happy they match eachother.

i hate everyone

they probably know that im out of their league anyway

???huh

no

i just want a bestie

my very own bestie

my heartbeats in my chestie

where the flips my bestie

im gonna kill everyone

you and your 

bumass bsf

die die die

give to me

UGH