Contradictions

Hii, I hope everyone is doing well! Honestly, today hasn´t been as good as the rest of the week was, which is pretty strange, since today was the day I actually slept better before school, maybe the hidden secret was sleep deprivation all this time? :P Maybe that´s why the Russian Experiment guy is smiling so much...

I already woke up with this feeling that it wouldn´t be that cool today, so what I am about to talk about isn´t the full reason behind my "not animation", but today we had the training for the test that will happen in 4 days and it surely became clear to the teacher that I am not ready for it... Sorry teacher, I wish I could show him that I care about the subject in a great way in class, but at least I can also do it doing well on his test, so it´s time to study!

Strangely I really believe that this time I will study a lot, my father even brought a tablet for studying :D So it will be a great way to test it´s functions (I really like how practical and easier to organize subjects these are, the printscreen function to just over it is incredible and being able to easier put images on your notes is cool too). 

I also have been (for a time now) discovering more and more how my brain works, not only in biology classes, but also trying to understand why I think like I think and mainly how I can work with it... The path was pretty straight forward, I never had any problems with grades, did really well on a test and could be called anytime to start my job, which had pretty good salary. I could have just continued on this path, but then I decided to go on an "adventure", which I definitely don´t regret I want to continue in this new way. Everything was going as always: being able to do what is expected from society, but for not that healthy reason, but why would these reasons matter? I was in the way of achieving a stable and independent life, but then these reason caught up and body just surrendered: I had a panic attack.

Like, at the end it wasn´t entirely bad, finally was taken more seriously by my mother, got my so needed and loved plastic surgery and am rethinking things in my live I rationally thinking should. The thing is, I genuinely don´t know how to "escape" my mind, if I start thinking in a "healthy" way (if it is possible lol) I will probably fall in a philosophical "what is the meaning of life?" spiral... I would lose any type of motivation in the time I am not speaking with friends... Being unhealthy is healthy for my life "success", but at the same time proved to also be unhealthy for my body...

I don´t know if I will post it publicly, I can´t continue writing it right now and am pretty low energy in general (think like the Coraline´s father :P).