uncomfortable situation

There is a chance that I kinda went out spontaneously with the guy I talked about in my last blog... My god, this is so embarrassing...

This Sunday I had to go buy some things for a Mishloch Manot. If you guys aren't familiar with this thing, it's basically a fancy gift given to your friends or other people in Purim, a Jewish holiday that is celebrated right now. I didn't have to buy it but I really wanted to invest for the girl I gave it to because she is nice and after the school trip I knew I wanted to get to know her better.

When I thought about going to buy it I was on a call with my friend and at the same time chatting with this guy. he said he needs to get also something and that he can come with me. I didnt want to go alone because I am scared of going out alone in the middle of the night easpacilly in this specific place where this shop is located. So why not?

When I told this to my friend she was like "why would you do it with him? I would go with you". I said, "Really?" and she replied, "No." This was really annoying, to be honest. I love her but why was she so anxious? She is always this way for some reason. Whenever we are talking about parties she never wants to go and have fun. She's being like "I would never drink alcohol", yeah? Are you sure? I don't get it, Why would someone want to die living a boring life only studying and staying at home with no experience at all? I mean, this is the climax of your life. You should do things you might regret as an adult because you won't be able to do them later in your life... but it's just my point of view.

Anyway, I went outside and waited for the bus he was on to come. I thought about it later that I had the option to go buy it in a supermarket next to my house but it was already too late. I got on the bus and saw him. As I mentioned in the last blog, he is not that good-looking at all, but he has a kind heart. It makes me believe that there is potential for a good friendship between us. He was actually nice and talkative.

When we got to the store, he helped me figure out which candies to buy for her and held my stuff. After this, I saw him in a more positive light. But when we were at the checkout, he was like "Are you willing to buy this for me too?" Before I could say anything, the cashier said, "I wish a woman could pay for me". I am so glad he said that because I didn't know if he was joking or if he was serious.

After that, we went to a cosmetics store because he had to buy hair cream for his big sister. I told him what products I used, he was like "So I won't buy this; just kidding". Gosh, what's wrong with him? I knew it was a joke but I really felt like my hair was frizzy because I came after training and I felt like it wasn't the way it is usually... I don't know it made me think about it. At the checkout, he said again "Are you willing to buy for me?". I said, "Are you for real?". He replied "I'm joking, it's okay". Oh, thank you, no, because I was really about to say yes. God, it was so embarrassing...

When we were out, he suggested we should sit somewhere by the beach. At first, I thought it was a bad idea because I had to wake up earlier for school. But later, I thought it might be nice not for too much time. On our way to the shore I saw a girl from my grade and she was really nice, we hugged and waved to each other, considering the fact we arent so close it was really nice to see her. she was with another boy who isnt her boyfriend, probably someone who volunteer at the same place she does. It's possible because these places are close to each other.

He took me to a hidden beach but for some reason, people were there. (mostly old men) It was really scary for me because I am a girl and I knew it was not the safest for me. I told him I'd rather not go there, but since I never knew about this beach I guess he wanted to be the first to show me. It was really really dark, unpleasant and had people in it. Who the hell goes for a swim in the middle of the night? Doesn't matter... he let me hold his hand for some reason. I don't like touching people but I had a feeling that if I didn't maybe these weird people would try to approach me or something like that. I don't know. It was really scary... when it happened, he was like "feel my biscep." PLEASE STOP IT WAS SO CRINGY,,, I asked "What?" Then he said "Never mind." Oh gosh...

Besides the awkward slip of the tongue, we sat and talked about life. He talked about his future as a military man and how much he wanted to go to the special forces. He is actually about to. I could see in his eyes that he was excited about doing so. I am younger than him so I just said I wish to go to the border police. As a person he is really nice talking to. We have common musical tastes and he is funny sometimes, but when I talk with him, it feels like I am talking to the nerd from my school. I don't know. Maybe he is just nervous?

In my mind, I knew that if I wanted to have something with him like holding hands romantically or even kissing him, I could, but in my mind, I knew it was not the right way, mostly because I was not attracted to him or thinking about him as my boyfriend. but I knew that if I wanted it could happen.

After we talked, we went to buy one last thing and then we went to the bus station. It really felt like a date to be honest... he even invited me to go to the beach with him but there is Te'anit eshter so I couldn't. Anyway, it felt good feeling wanted. Unfortunately, I don't think he had the same experience...

When I told my friends this they were surprised because I don't do this kind of thing. but it is what it is. oh my god, I hate being the one who rejects... 

Later, we kept talking and all. I can feel that he might see me in a romantic way, because there are things you only say to the people you like and not friends. Like complement me out of nowhere, ask me about my day and find intrest in my daily life. I also informed the friend who had introduced us that we had met, and she said, "He didn't tell me anything about this, but he talks about you a lot and always wants to invite you to our meetings." he calls me by my nickname that only my family knows, since that friend is also my cousin.

He said some things that made me question myself. He asked me what I was dressing up for Purim at school, and I sent him a picture of the costume from the movie it is from. It was Regina George from Mean Girls in her Halloween costume, but instead I wore a long-sleeve bodysuit. He was like "At least you are doing Te'anit Eshter." Te'anit eshter is a fast that usually only religious people do. He is secular I don't think he even knew about it. He meant it in a bad way that one day I can wear a slutty costume (that turned out to be normal), and the next pray and be faithful. Like, are you for real? I really hope he was joking. The next day when I actually wore it, he was like, "Haha you actually wore this to school." Just for context, he wore a pink skirt and white top. And he made fun of my costume lollll. I don't know if it's just this way of flirting, but I didn't like it... at all.

I don't know why I have a bad feeling about this and my love life in general. Sometimes I wish I could live in an ultra orthodox society and never had to speak to any man except my husband ever in my life.