so much (for) stardust (mar 11/25)

i’m gonna call my ex boyfriend j on here. i think i’ve said his name before but i probably shouldn’t. jst for like privacy yk. we agreed to stay friends but he barely spoke a word to me yesterday. and yeah i know he probably is upset but like he knows no one will talk to me if he doesn’t cuz all my friends were his friends first. so it was jst like rlly quiet and lonely yesterday. it’s so weird. this boy i know everything about is all of a sudden walking right by me like he doesn’t even know my name. he knows me and i know him. why does that have to change? i still like him, just not romantically, i’ve learned. maybe i should just give him some more time to cope and then we can be friends again? idk.

my mom said i could stay home from school yesterday but i thought i had a math test. i didn’t, the test was today. which btw that test was fucking bonkers. i usually finish math tests within like half an hour and i couldn’t even finish it in class??? i had one question left that i had genuinely no idea what to do one it was nuts. most of the class didn’t finish either though, so maybe it was the test and not me? i think i got at least a 55%. i always calculate my grade based on what i think i got right before i hand my test in. this one was roughhhhhhhhhhhh.

i’ve been very lonely this week. i haven’t seen my best friend in over a month cuz she goes to a different school and is an athlete so literally always busy. i feel like my friends don’t like me anymore. my best friend said she feels the same way. we’re living the exact same life exact she’s a bit more productive than i am. it’s actually crazy how similar we are. two girls who were top of their classes all of elementary and junior high who’s grades are all of a sudden slipping, friends are bored of them, and parents don’t like them very much. oh and we both cut our hair the same length somehow lol. i miss her.

anyway i just feel like im that friend that you go to when no one else is around. i’ll never be the first choice. not even for j. i don’t miss our relationship, i miss our friendship. i feel really fucking ugly right now too. i woke up like 20 minutes before my bus got to my stop and it already takes 10 minutes to walk there. so i’m wearing a very lazy outfit, my makeup looks like shit cuz i did it in the school bathroom, and im exhausted. i also hate having my hair up which i do now. i have a roundish (it’s more like square) jaw shape and i just look ugly. i hate myself i hate this week i wanna go home. im gonna cry.