writing and discipline

these days i have so much mental energy that occasionally needs to be exercised with music. so i get up, i pace around like a lizard in its enclosure. i dance a little bit. i do it until i'm too exhausted to even write about anything that i've thought about during my day or during whatever my mental outbursts are. that term implies that it's negative but whatevs.

ironically, sometimes i listen to music because it helps me write, but then i find something more uptempo and i feel compelled to stop what i'm doing to go pace around again.

thoughts and ideas come very easy to me nowadays, but sitting down and writing is actually difficult due to my energy levels. sometimes i feel like i have to chain myself down to write. like stapling the strings of balloons to a chair so they don't float off into the sky. except oh god the chair is floating shit what do i do now.

so i think i will do my best to write an entry here, at least twice a week, as a form of self-reflection and structure in my life. the topics i discuss won't always be pleasant, but life, as it turns out, is often unpleasant.

it's an exercise in letting go of shame and fear that i didn't realize i had, and somewhat therapeutic in a transitional period where i'm getting to know myself.

i felt like writing on tumblr at some point, but as great as tumblr is i think it unfortunately lends itself to turning people's opinions and experiences into discourse. which is not entirely a bad thing when it comes to societal issues but it has the effect, at least in me, of being afraid to speak about something that comes to my mind and having it reach complete strangers out of context. it's also difficult to manage the balance of a blog being reblogs vs my own thoughts.

i think sometimes you do want to start a conversation with the world about a societal issue and other times i feel like it's healthier to share things mainly with a small group of friends. you know... like in real life. but in real life i have social anxiety and i get misgendered all the time. also i can't go into town and scream about a quirked up elderly japanese musician and expect people to understand.

i was also having anxiety about whether it was even worth it to write if nobody read or related to what i said... i am unfortunately the kind of person that seeks external validation for everything and i'm trying to not focus on that. social media definitely did the opposite of helping that.

but anyway. i've concluded that i'm going to do this no matter what, because fuck it we ball. also i will post whenever my wisdom comes to me. so don't expect me to be consistent at all lol