crash n burn

sometimes i hate being mentally ill. everything just comes back around.... i wish i could blame it on the drugs, but there are no drugs to blame. anymore.

i've been sober for over two (2) years now (since january 2023)! be proud of me. i know i am.

i know i'm good at what i do. i may be unbearable and unfit for most things, but my works are good. my works are very important. i will them to be so.

i have a job now. like, one with income, i mean. technically, i'm a business owner. whorephobia is getting in the way of me making real money; i've made so little so far. ugh. but at least the adults in my life are *reads hand* only really condescending and nosy as fuck about it. terrible! i'm a whore, mother. i'm a whore, father.

i went to bed last night stressed about work and it felt pretty terrible. i slept like shit, too, but at least i had a lot of beautiful visions of us and of cutting my hair.

then i cut my hair today and took my first 'normal' shower in almost two (2) months. my rashes are healing. thank g-d.

everything just comes in cycles. i'm a little more prepared every time, but i know it'll never be enough. i'll never be enough. it's whatever. i just need to be enough for you.

as long as i end up yours, i don't care. i'm just counting down the days until i wake up next to you. everything i do is for you.

i keep feeling hopeless and i hate it. stressed and hopeless. the whole world is built against us. you broke the system. kind of! i will be there with you, one of these days. i'm working very hard to get there.

i can't wait to feel it coming on. i know i will. despair will return. i will sink. but i know that with you it'll be more bearable. everything feels unbearable without you.

take the wheel. crash n burn together. that's the dream, baby.