1 JU5T W1SH TH3Y'D FUCK1NG L1ST3N 2 M3

1 H4T3 1T

every single run in with my mother, it's like talking to a brick wall. 1T'Z L1K3 7 4M and she already has my blood boiling! and talking back is like never an option, she never listens anyway. She claims i was up al night and rummaging through the house when i wasn't, t was my little fuckwad of a brother, who btw is a whole other side dish for another blog. I can't stand it anymore. Every problem is always the same garbage "Well ur juz mad cuz u didn't sleep well enough." She couldn't for the life of her ever consider that she is the cause of every issue in this fucking household. 4 FUCKZ S4K3 i could be dead on the railroads and she'd probably still say "Ah well, probably didn't get enough sleep, that's why she is FUCK1NG D34D."

whatever, i could rant about this for hours and hours on end. It never stops. Being around my mom is just like a constant stress factor. I never know when she's gonna open her mouth and give a snide comment or some backhanded remark or fake sarcastic compliment. I wanna move out... i need to move out. My own therapist said that treatment is literally useless because the stress factors are always there everyday. If i want to get well i need to move out. I am working hard towards that goal but it's difficult. 

It is pretty telling when the only time i feel somewhat peacefull at home is when i am home alone, just me and my dog. I don't wanna attend dinner with the family, it never ends well anyway. Let me eat in my room. I get it though. It's very clear that sometimes...  she is simply trying her best, she wants a certain type of family that just isn't there. She tries somewhat hard to keep us from going at eachothers throat. She does the chores and she cooks and she still works as well. I don't know how to feel. Because, on one hand, i really do want a better relationship with her, i wanna help her and make things a little easier. But on the other, she hurts me deeply without even knowing, I don't want to hate my mom, i am not even sure if i really do. But she makes it really difficult to ever open up to her about anything.

I been through a lot. And all i want is for her to be a little more interested in me, to maybe actually try and talk to me. Without everything flying off the handle in mere seconds. I know more about my own mom than she does about me. I am 22 now, an adult, just like them. I deserve respect and privacy like anyone else, but it truly feels like nothing has changed. And it has no idea how to change, or wether it even can anymore. My family has been stuck in this daily toxic wasteland since i was like 12. I need to move out if i want change.

anyway, this blog is nice

just to you know, get it out of my system a little bit