the things i wish i would tell you. - a letter

i dont think you be reading this to be honest, but this is the only way i can write my emotions and feelings out.

its been some time for me to think about everything.

i agree i shouldnt have left right away, give you some time to explain or at least try to calm down, like you asked me to.

but at the same time, my feelings, doubts, overthinking was right. you we're constantly searching for a ways you could accuse me, yet you were the one doing it. it hurts me, deeply.

i really tried my best, even if at times i was very hard to handle and very complicated. i know i hurt you myself, and i regret that everyday. 

there are still feelings i have for you, they aren't gonna change for a while. i still find myself thinking bout you, or missing the things we did. yet i know we both better without each other.

i can tell you now tho,

you really hurt me. you left a deep wound in my heart, something that cannot be filled. you were the first person i ever felt comfortable doing so many things, yet its gone. my trust is again gone. i cannot longer do things i was capable of doing when you were present with me. 

but still..

i hate you, for the things you have done to me, you knew what you were doing, you knew from the things i suffer from, and how deeply it can scar me. you knew how broken i was and you used it to your liking. also the things you said after, made me realize how really i was nothing to you. you brought my trauma and ptsd back. i hope you realized at least little bit what you said was wrong, and realize it was not needed. i hope for your future girlfriend, you will value your words more.

yet i still love you for the times you made me laugh, forget my pain and dream about our future..that never happend. 

i am sorry for not being able to fufill my promises, yet im not sorry that you caused this yourself. 

this note feels very up and down, one moment im saying how i am sorry, yet next moment im blaming you for your mistakes. i am a mess right now, been since then. you know i dont handle emotions very well. 

anyways, thats what has been on my mind. 

i hope you can do better for your future.

Samko.