T4LK1NG 1Z H4RD

Sometimes, my friends do actually text me. I always have the urge to ignore them. It feels bad to respond back so quickly. [Espescially when they left me hanging for weeks :/. It feels pointless. They'll just have another chance to ignore me!  WH4T5 W0RS3 is that i feel like i'm the only one bothered by it. 

At least, when i don't respond. I'M the one ignoring THEM instead of the other way around and that feels powerfull and better. Now you might think "Damn Hana, i mean, you know how awfull it feels to be ignored why would you wanna give that feeling to someone else?"

W3LL, Like i said, i don't feel like it's something that bothers them that much. Wether i ignore them or not. Despite having known them for 5 years and only last year i found out how little i actually matter to them, i feel like they can miss me ya kno?

Sometimes i like to go offline completely, in the hopes that they might suspect i died or something. I have even deleted and removed them multiple times from my friendslist on multiple platforms AND THEY NEVER EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT. 

I wish didn't care so much, i mean TRULY i just want their attention, i want to feel close and like i matter to them. But they just won't give me that. It makes me really depressed sometimes....  

I am aware that my actions aren't exactly good either. I'm toxic. I am going to therapy next wednesday and hoping i'll feel better. Good enough to stop behaving this way. But it always follows me home.

I wish i could just block them completely but i have a deep history with them. No matter how hard i scream that i hate the way they make me feel. Deep down.... i still care too much to just let it go....

I wonder if they are even aware of the fact that they are hurting me.

I just wanna vent, open up to them about it ye? But it always feels like i'm whining like "UUUGGHH YOU GUYS IGNORE ME SOOO MUCH LIKE WTF GUYZ??? >:0 GIVE ME M00RR333 4TT3NT100NN?!" 

when in reality, i just don't want to feel ignored. When you feel the way i do, sometimes expressing even the slightest bit of your wants and needs can already feel like you're asking too much.

You feel like you are starved for attention and you must R0T in H3LL for wanting it.

Anyway, i gtg work.

By3 <3

Mood song: 1 W4NT 4TT3NT10N BUT MY H34RT W0N'T 4LL0W M3 2 H4V3 IT