1|| A Freaking Idiot

so i don't wanna get into all of it because it is SO embarrassing, but basically i fell for a scam at the gas station i worked at, and even though it was just a job i feel like a damn fool.

these scams happen all the time, and we're even trained on how to deal with it. i know the guy on the other end was grinning ear-to-ear as the asshole who would scream The Star Spangled Banner and showtunes down the line did his bidding. it was a crazy elaborate scam, but even then i knew better. even at multiple points i asked myself: "is this a scam?" but i didn't think it was because they managed to (pretty accurately, scarily enough) impersonate my manager. it was stupid, and i shouldn't have fallen for it but i did.

but yeah, because of that ive been so self-deprecating my own thoughts are making me physically recoil. ive made myself sick on both alcohol and cigarettes, and i'd be doing the same with weed too if i had any - trust.

i know im overreacting - it was just a job, and i didn't lose anything from it except for a shitty manager and a deadend job! ultimately, honestly, i think i should be happy about this, but im not. i feel stupid, and used, and walked on - not just from the scam but from my whole experience working there. this was my first mistakes, and six months is a long time for a gas station employee to stick around out here - no one tried to help me. i got no reprieve, i got no comfort, not even pity. all i got when i went in the next day (because they hadn't fired me at the end of that shift) was a "why are you here? you need to leave." with not even attempted eye contact and the most disgusted tone you can imagine. 

i know i fucked up, and i get wanting to send that point home, but why couldn't they have just fired me?

ive been rewatching a lot of Dan and Phil to try and cope but my mind keeps wandering back to it... i think once i get it all out of me ill be okay, but im so embarrassed i dont want to share it - i want to keep the whole experience bottled up inside until it either explodes or disappears.

if only i had more wine.