Opaque Spring

I look out the window to my room in the middle of the night. It's closer to sunrise now.

I see the stars speckled out, and I see this beautiful moon in all its detail. The type of moon cameras can't pick up. The type of image I let soak into my retinas, into my mind, as it's just so beautiful.

On clear nights like these, you know it's the end of winter.

Lately, I have felt very hollow. Apathetic towards everything in my life. Actually, apathy isn't the right way to describe it- It's more detached. I feel entirely detached from humanity. From reality. From myself. 

I can't even trust myself, and I define my own reality. I can't find any comfort in myself or anything I do. I feel nothing towards my family. At the very least, maybe some disdain? I feel nothing towards my own life- thus I lack any regard for my own actions. I can only take pleasure in fantasy, enjoying the fantasy, but also hyper analyzing what humanity has created.

I feel so hollow. I feel so dead. I feel like all my dreams and hopes are dead. I feel like I'm a bloated corpse, or rather, a ghost? Maybe I'm stuck in that moment where your life flashes before your eyes before death. 

I keep trying to make sense of the senseless, to find reason in the unreasonable, which is an impossible feat. And it's ruined me. It has ruined me. I am so sad with how I have become. Everything inside me is dead. I've lost what made me human. I've lost my will. I've lost my determination. I've lost my discipline. 

Seriously, nothing can fix me. I don't think I even want to be fixed. I can't find it in me to do anything anymore. I can't force myself to enjoy the thought of going on like this. How long do I have to tread until I'm happy? When will I be happy? Will I ever be happy? Do I even want to be happy? I'd rather everything just end now.

Nothing can change the nothing I've become.

I just analyze things on a near psychotic level, it's compulsive, it's sickening, but it's beautiful. It's beautiful admiring the shapes of the leaves and the framing of my vision. How can I paint this. How can I draw that. How cool is it that someone thought of this? I wonder how that works. How do they make that act a certain way? Analyze analyze because anything is better than my own life.

You need to understand, once you realize the Nothing in Everything, when you've hit rock bottom and discover the Nothing in Everything, it's not like the Nothing we all come to know and choose to ignore for the sake of survival. 

When you are nothing. When you have nothing. And then you see the Nothing in Everything?
You can't come back from it.

It's just...
Pure hopelessness.

And it's kinda terrifying before you come to terms with it.

The term though, well, that's just giving up entirely.

I'll just keep looking through my window. 

I'll just keep admiring this shitty, terrible, gorgeous world.