where i try

i think about the communities that form around me, but never include me. i try not to try. i try to not desperately search for someone else. i try not to try and cling onto things that are no longer good for me, but i cannot help myself. i sit here telling myself that maybe “one day i will find my people,” or maybe even an audience. i search for someone who gets it too. whatever “it” may be. i try to not search for this thing that seems to be missing from my life. i try to find comfort in my own company. i try and convince myself it is all in self improvement and that there is nothing wrong with that. there isn’t anything wrong with that until it is all i know. i feel i try very hard. i guess a part of me fell shallow. i had hoped my efforts would be recognized, but it feels the more i improve, the worse i get. i feel so much lighter but if i turn my head, all i see is my room and the filth that lies in it. i am dragged back down. externally i am a mess. internally…i’m not sure. i’m really not sure. i fear if i do not say i am getting better i will grow to be lost in my own negative thoughts. my thoughts remind me of my failures and make me believe they are all that i am. i try not to make generalizations, but i see people my age who had these issues and resolved them years ago. i’m so behind. i’m so so behind, but it try to show myself kindness. with my mom’s voice slightly above a whisper dictating my every move and reminding me why i am-

there is no use speaking about her. she is who she is. i am who i am. we somehow grew to be so different despite me living every second through her opinions….spoken or unspoken.

i am stuck in a constant loop. i am clawing at every protrusion of this dark hole, hoping i can use it to get closer to the surface. i can’t breathe down here. i can’t see down here. i can’t feel down here. i claw and i claw, but the hole is so deep. i look down, and i slip. i try not try and then i try and i try. i never make sense. nothing really does.

being at home is such an unnecessary weight. i want to get out here. sometimes i feel i *need* to get out here. regardless, i am here.

i am here because i’ve grown too tired. i am too tired because i am here. i cannot leave here because i am too tired. i am too tired because i cannot leave here…

so lost

so confused

that’s all there is to me

just lost and confused.

how interesting…

how draining.

me.