darling, i don't know if i'm going to be okay (mar 7/25)

i thought about olivia penpraze again and i got really sad. i watched the video she made and got even sadder. is this what my family would feel like if i killed myself? sometimes i think about that but then i remember that that would be the only thing that would get them to feel anything about me. why won't they pay attention to me? my siblings have autism, adhd, and other disabilities and i get that they obviously need more attention. also considering the fact that they have emotional age stunts and behave and think younger than they are. it's basically like my mother has had to take care of two 8 year olds for the past almost 10 years. and i feel bad for her but like sometimes i just feel like she forgets about me. last week i went out with my friends until like midnight and she didn't care. i took the bus and then walked for 20 minutes in the itch black and she didn't even respond to my "i'm home" text. she was awake. i'm 15. why does no one notice me? my friends don't either. i've tried to kill myself twice. only my friends know. they've probably forgotten. i don't even want someone to care anymore, i just want to know why they don't. do they not think i'm serious? i am. i 100% truly am. i don't know if i can keep living like this.