random night developed to be something

This week, I attended a close friend's birthday dinner at a Chinese restaurant. At first, I hesitated to go because I barely knew the other people who were invited. However, I realized that I was going not for them but to show respect for my friend. And if I ended up not enjoying it, I could always leave.

When I got there, I saw the two girls I know. Everything was cool, but one of them mentioned that she had a big fight with her boyfriend, so she was pretty down most of the time we were hanging out. She was trash-talking him a lot, which wasn’t great since I didn't know anything about him or what had gone down between them. Later, another girl joined us, and she was really funny. I didn’t expect her to be like that—I thought she was totally different, but I’m glad to see I was wrong this time.

The two other boys arrived very late for some reason. One of them was about to sit next to me, but the other boy told him to move. Not in a delulu way,, but I wondered why someone would want to sit next to me at all. Because it's the first time I ever see them. I thought maybe he just didn't want to sit next to the other girl or something. However, after about five minutes, he asked me my name and where I study. Till now, I find it strange because I can't understand it. Why would he be interested in me?

I barely ate my meal because I don't like eating with people I don't know and it was really big so just by the look of it I couldn't finish it. Thankfully, it wasn't the important part or the reason I came. I will never go to someone's event just for the food or the drinks, this is totally disrespectful and not nice. like I won't want someone to do the same for me, I won't do so to others.

Anyway, so this dude. He was really chatty and talked a lot with me. I think he talked with me more than he did with the other boy. We have similar interests like music and guitar and he is nice to talk with. he asked for my Instagram and generally he was very sweet. I discovered he is 18 because he ordered drinks for the other girls. I really wanted one too but since the last time I was drunk I am so scared and now I know how many calories are in one drink so I gave up on it... Either way, it's not my type of thing to do.

They all wanted to go to my friend's house. In my mind I thought "they" did not include me. But they were like "You are coming with us, right?". Like do people actually want to be with me? For a second, this was really a shock for me. New people still want to be with me even after "the event ended"? Maybe this is kinda dramatic but it's how I felt at that time. Especially when someone showed interest in me for some reason. 

Later that night, when we got to my friend's house, he asked me questions like "How come you don't had a boyfriend yet?" or "How come we haven't met yet?" or just about current/ past relationships. What can I say besides "Yeah haha"? I'm definitely not gonna explain or share these things. I have many things to say except about me and the boys I have talked to so far. I don't know... maybe it's just hard for me to be open with people I just met. Who knows- maybe he's just fake interest because he thinks we can have some kind of a situationship. I don't trust people so fast, especially men. AND LET'S NOT MENTION THE LAST TIME THIS FRIEND INTRODUCED ME TO SOMEONE IT ENDED BAD.

Oh God, I wish this could be so much easier for me. What have I really asked for? Not much, really. Maybe I’m just creating stories in my mind and making excuses for why people find me interesting, struggling to accept the fact that I am actually lovable. Perhaps I am too aware of people's actions and their bad intentions.

Also, he messaged me a day later, and he talked about how we should play guitar together sometime. Who is gonna tell him that it's probably not gonna happen? I'm so sorry, but the only man I can think about right now is my classmate who doesn't even talk to me at school, and not in a bad way... but I don't find him attractive at all. I like my man to be as european as possible. Not being racist; it's just my preference...

after all, הַכֹּל מֵאֵת הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ