No. 3 - A Speck on the Map

11:40PM - Thursday, Mar 6]

I come from a town that is a speck on the map. If it was wiped off the face of the Earth, no country would cry, the world would not mourn what it had lost because it truly was not that significant. And I do not love this town so much that I would ever want to make it so significant because while I love some of the people in it, this city has had over 100 years to change and yet it is still stagnant in so many ways.

I am still trying to fight that hurtful feeling of being stabbed from the inside whenever I see the person who used to love me, now detached and heartless. "I will always love you", I have learned the hard way that the only person you can truly rely on for love is yourself, and the quality of it matches how much effort you put into yourself. It makes me angry and stagnant to think of how little they cared about me the moment they stopped loving me.

Anyways, my intent is to escape this speck on the map. Leave those who hurt me there, too. They will live their life normally, but I aspire for more. I should have done so sooner, but action can begin any day. I can always say I was late or that I may not make it, but what happens if I don't try? The answer is: no closure. No answer to if I was good enough or not, or what I could have done better. And even if I did stay in that town, which I likely won't, it would only be for 2 more years. 2 years of being given literal money to stay in school, and having the opportunity to thrive in a city with a community that matches my desired industry. And hey, I'm buying a car. So who said I really had to stay? 

Alright. Enough of that spite. Moving on to what I look forward to, I mean I could love any city that wasn't my own as long as the public transit is good. So I do. I love cities like Boston, or British Columbia, Toronto, Ithaca, Corvallis. Lovely places with local businesses down the street, semi-navigatable without a car. It is a gift here, but in other countries, a commonality. But what I care about is making the next 2 years of my life grand. I want to go out in a burst of flames, like a dying star, except I'm not a star.

I've realized I would like to see myself more like a galaxy. Always shining, made of glorious light, magnetic and alluring. I would like to be the embodiment of a galaxy. I would like to symbolize magnetism, cunning, idiosyncracy, a firey desire for constant improvement, but also, an air of freedom that makes you wonder how she can be so detached. It's because he gets everything he wants by being detached, by trusting that it will come, eventually. That is me.