after laughter by paramore always reminds me...

https://youtu.be/cW5ueE2vUm0?si=suk5STNlQo_-OaI2

especially rose colored boy!

so recently i found out my ex finally decided to block me. now i really don't have feelings nor care about him at ALL anymore, but i have a narcissistic tendency of thinking i am so great and amazing that i will make people regret losing me if they leave me. so him blocking me made me angry because it made me feel like i'm not worth regretting when i AM because i'm beautiful, cool, and alluring...which i know sounds like i am the problem, but it only happens once something is over between a person an i, never in a relationship.

but in the relationship, i genuinely just only cared for him and his needs. i loved him for who he was and always tried uplifting him when things were tough. but god forbid my OCD, agoraphobia or death anxiety be triggered. to him, it was his opportunity to put me down and make me feel bad for being afraid when i was already working on it with my therapist. he always called me names that now i feel had some malicious intent in them whenever he was doing "tough" love that was really his emotional abuse. and he was the one being clingy and calling me after his classes ended in the first place. he just absolutely made me feel special, just to drag me down the next minute or so. 

this song perfectly encapsulates that entire feeling of believing you are not good enough for your partner because of your mental struggles and how they view you as a burden who is not enough for them. and it is reminding me to not let myself have my ego be bruised or feel offended by someone who made me relate to this song!