ᯓ★3.5.2025

my most self destructive trait is also my biggest fear. i have a fear of trying and failing. not just the failing, which i have come to expect of myself, but the trying followed by the failing. it is virtually impossible to try not to try, and "try what?" you might ask, but even that i don't have an answer for. i feel like i live in a revolving door of learning something new about my creative spirit, or hooking myself onto a passing cloud of a daydream and trying to make it come true, and then finding that if i cannot meet my own expectations soon enough, that i have wasted my own time. 

and why am i always so worried about time? when did i decide that i have a ticking clock, or perhaps ticking time bomb, hanging over my shoulder, following me through the revolving door turn style? i fear that i am also not alone in this plight, which is equally as scary as it is comforting, because that also means i might just be a product of society and not the main character. this is scary because my egotistical barely-lizard-barely-human brain wants to be important. this is comforting because then i have no reason to be important, and therefore have no reason not to be free. free from the expectations of a hero, i guess. can you imagine if you actually were a main character? you would have to save the world, be the best, try and fail and try again--

the effort scares me, too. it wraps into the fear of the time i've convinced myself im running out of, but on a deeper level, i may have simply developed incorrectly. what if i have craters where hardworking, motivated, passionate characteristics are supposed to be? and what if the fear that follows this question is what i will always feel for the rest of my life that i'm not distracted from it? do you think if i showed this flow of consciousness to a therapist they'd think i'm making it up? and what does it say about me to genuinely validate this concern? what does it say about how i perceive the world that perceives me?

and you know, i'm kind of scared that all i have are questions and no answers. i'm scared that all i can be is lost and never satisfied.

- ramblings of the insecure. but you know, it felt nice to watch the words appear.