Ammonia

Fuck.

I let go of two people I've known for years about two months ago.

I'm doing my best not to regret it, but today is just one of those days where you're washing dishes and a bunch of bullshit begins to flood your mind as dirty soap water circles the drain. It's like my own brain is trying to start shit with me by saying, "I just think it's funny how you let this happen."

I let go of them because I needed to move on, honestly. I was in love with one of them, and the other was just an emotional burden. I know that sounds harsh, but you can't help someone who loves the attention they get from being the victim of domestic abuse.

Anyway, as for the former, I just had to stop kidding myself. His removal hurt the most. I spent two days crying about it, then allowed myself one more day to grieve. I always had a somewhat deep seated hope that one day he'd realize I was good enough and figure out that he was in love with me LMFAOOO. But in a peculiar turn of events (and a confrontation from my younger brother), I ended up being the one who realized that I was too good for him. I don't care if I get accused of being vain or conceited for saying that.

What kills me is that I let it go on for as long as I did. Getting played by the same guy for 10ish years (on and off) has to be one of THE FUNNIEST things I've ever done. Another funny thing? I've only seen this dude twice in my life, and we only talked during one of those interactions because he visibly ignored me the second time. The majority of our interactions happened through texts, messages, and social media posts. I blocked him on everything I could think of.

Don't get me wrong—NO ONE owes me anything, ESPECIALLY not love or reciprocated feelings. If anything, it was my own self-delusion that brought me to this point. I over-romanticized and idealized him and our imaginary future together to the point of hating myself for it.

I adored talking to him. He was able to match my wit and humor, and I especially loved our back-and-forth banter. He actually knew what the fuck I was talking about when it came to music and counterculture and I'll even admit, he knew more than me at times, which I thought was hella attractive and rare to find.

For the short period we were talking this last time, I was excited to wake up and see his messages. I would spend the day at work talking to him and daydreaming about what it would be like to be his.

FUCK. My music is on shuffle, and now my favorite song of his is playing. This is the last time I'll listen to it before I remove it from my playlist.

After I removed him, I started thinking about how he hardly knew anything about me. At least, that's how me made me feel. I realize now that he probably wouldn't have loved me out loud in front of his friends or in front of strangers. He’d probably be embarrassed to admit it publicly. Or worse, he’d find another girl to complain to about me whenever I fucked up—just like he did with his past girlfriends. That should've been a red flag. No man should EVER tell another woman about his significant other’s mistakes or shortcomings.

Another funny thing, one that probably makes me look even more stupid now that I think about it, is that I have a notebook I’ve had since I was 20, filled with all the characteristics and qualities I want in my future husband. And guess what? He only had 11 out of 87 of those things.

Plus, he wasn’t even into marriage based on the conversations we had.

So yeah, I "ghosted" him. But the main reason I did it was because I’m more serious than ever about actually finding the true love of my life. I want to sacrifice any and all things that are holding me back from that person. I know that when I meet them, they’ll be someone who doesn’t make me feel like a backup, a placeholder, or a comparison to someone else.

I mean this with all of my heart, I genuinely hope he finds his true love as well, even if it’s just himself.

Songs that played when I wrote this:

**NOTE: I had my 12am Q U I E T  a.k.a my sad/mellow music playlist on spotify playing lol**

The Blue by David Gilmour

Can't You Show Me by True Loathing

Vivo by Gustavo Cerati

Missing Pieces by Flawed Mangoes

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye by Soft Cell

Your Face by Wisp