becoming myself i guess

my partner and i went out last night and i didn't find what i was looking for at one of the game stores we go to but i got some pride pins cause i'm gay and i'm getting used to calling myself gay i guess. idk why i didn't think i was gay when i was already out as nonbinary but it makes sense honestly. i was comparing myself too much to cis gays and i realized that there are way more ways to be gay than that.

sometimes there's this voice in my head that keeps trying to invalidate me and tell me i'm just a cishet woman who wants to feel special and is doing this for validation. i'm literally not though? like this was one of the most difficult things i have ever had to think about in recent memory. i already feel better with my name change and a different haircut (my hair is still long but not as long). i know the voice in my head is spouting bs because i feel more confident even though i live in a dystopia and i still don't have any friends irl other than my partner and i don't know what i'm doing still.

all i know is that kira was a cool person but they were also really miserable and they liked themselves but not in the way that kieran does. i mean i'm still kinda miserable but mainly in the cosmic sense of jfc how did the world get so messed up and how am i supposed to live in it. but also i don't feel as messed up anymore somehow. even though i don't "pass". even if none of the binders i tried on last weekend fit me and had the compression i wanted and i'm upset about it and i still feel insecure in many ways. idk maybe one day i'll look back on this and think wow i was such a baby

honestly if i confuse people i don't give a shit. let them be confused