february

what an insane time this month has been. february's always a tough time for me. i'm always emotionally struggling through my birthday, just trying my best to get through it.

the ocean calms my nerves. i book a 3-hour bus ride at 5am, restless from lack of sleep. despite my freezing fingers and cold cheeks, i feel the lulling call of the crashing waves inviting me to fall in and become one with it. i oft wonder, how would it feel to give into the temptation? would it be a cold plunge, making me shake to my core, thrashing from the human nature to grasp for life at death's door? or would it warm me throughout, a gentle caress comforting me, stripping me of my mortal pains? of course, i would never throw myself into the water with the goal of drowning myself. life is all too brilliant to give it up.

life should be spontaneous and fun. what is the point in life if my time on this plane of existence isn't enjoyable? earlier this year i had a conversation with a certain individual trying to convince me that the point in life is to make sacrifices for the greater good, for the future generations, as our ancestors have done. there is some truth to that, i believe, i am indeed grateful for the opportunities we are blessed with in this day and age. i'm elated to be alive in this era, with our various technological advancements, medical and scientific breakthroughs, even just the fact that i have a roof over my head and meals to sustain me through the days. but i truly believe individual happiness needs to be prioritized in everyone. sure, you can be truly "happy" working your ass off trying to make a better life for your children. but we're living in a time where we have that opportunity to prioritize ourselves. isn't this what our older generations have worked so hard for? life changes, values change, and the earth continues to turn endlessly. i will keep valuing my own personal happiness and the happinesses of those i care about, and try hard to make changes for my own beliefs. (this person also said that yes, war is inherently bad, but countless soldiers and civilians dying makes a difference so it is necessary. some people's opinions are just invalid.)

in this month i've experienced so many emotions. anger, sadness, loneliness, happiness, confusion, exhaustion, peacefulness. through all the experiences and feelings, whether good or bad, i've been shaped into the person that i currently am. people are ever changing beings. i am not the same person that i was 8 years ago, 3 years ago, 6 months ago, hell, i'm probably not even the same person that i was when i started writing this blog entry. i'm not happy with the traumatizing, gut-wrenching experiences i've gone through, but i am grateful for them for they've molded me into the person that i am currently. every heartbreaking breakup, every embarrassing public incident, every unnerving confrontation, even every little bruise and scar. the good makes you a happy person, but the bad makes you into someone that cherishes the good even more so than before. emotions are so cruicial to experiencing human life. every little tear spilled, brow furrowed, giggle escaped, makes life that much more precious and exciting. emotions are what make you, you.

there is no inherent good and evil, and i don't believe humans are either by nature. everyone is heavily influenced by their environment growing up, whether they process it positively or not. i am neither good nor evil, i solely just am. i strive to make choices that positively impact myself and those i care about, and i try to make my loved ones happy, but that doesn't make me a good person. it is mostly out of my own selfish desires to see myself and others thriving. but selfishness is also not inherent evil, only human nature. i accept my instinct to feel the selfishness, and act out my desires. that is okay. growing up, i was always made to feel that i was being selfish by making choices that felt right to me. in those times i often thought it unfair that society simultaneously made everything to be a competition, while also telling you that doing things that make you happy made you hard to love. and now, i understand that i was right. not everything is a competition. bad grades and performance evaluations aren't the end of the world. and prioritizing yourself is okay. you are living life for yourself. you need to be selfish. you still deserve to be loved.

i still struggle with not lingering on the past. i never let go completely, since all memories and nostalgia are part of me, and i try to accept the negative experiences as they are, but i still sometimes feel so much regret. i mourn. i hope that's okay. and i hope that the me in another universe isn't feeling all this regret.

stepping into this 2025, i told myself this would be a year of understanding myself and healing. and most importantly, experiencing the hiccups and seeing them for what they are and accepting them. despite all the pain i experienced, this february has been an amazing time for me. i took a month off from work, which helped me to really sit with my emotions and dissect my thoughts. i was able to talk to my friends, various people, about the abstract concepts, letting me learn more about the world and about myself. life is joyous but only if you let it be. it is never about the chasing after so-called happiness; it's finding small and big joys in day-to-day life and appreciating even the miniscule details. watching films. creating art. trying a new recipe. stepping into a photobooth alone. standing in the steaming shower even after i've finished all my washing. listening to that one song on repeat. doing makeup at 3am for fun. solving crosswords with my best friend. it all adds up. i am a happy person living a happy life, and the unhappy things, albeit having shaped me, do not define me as a person. i choose to embody this kind of person, because it is who i believe myself to be. i love so many things, so many people, myself.

happy belated birthday. we'll have a delightful march together.