i don't want to be a neet anymore.

i never wanted to be a neet. who the hell would want that?

TIME: 3:15-3:48 PM | MOOD: empty | LISTENING: fnf music lmao

i think i might change the theme of this erm blog thing. other people's blog things look much cooler than mine and it makes me jealous. but those people are good at coding. i only like to code for fun, so i try not to care too much about it. but i become jealous at anything that looks better than what i do. it's annoying.

that is not the topic of this fucking blog lmao.

i don't know if i made it extremely obviou by now; i am very depressed and very lonely. i am also a neet, which is something i didn't know until uh idk a year or two ago (bc i didn't know what the fuck that meant). i haven't had a job since i think 2022 and when i did have a job it wasn't even a real job i just got hired to help fix up a store and then left after 10 days because i didn't have to stay after the time was up. i could've stayed. i can't imagine how different my life would've been if i called that manager back. would it be easier? would i be a lot more depressed if i was working a family dollar?? i don't know. but honestly, i think anything, and i mean ANYTHING would be better than this. this is the most pathetic kind of living a human can indulge in. i should've went to college. i should've called them back. i should've moved out years ago. too many shoulds and nothing to follow it up. i am miserable. i don't want to live anymore. not like this. i am so overwhelmingly miserable and bored with my life. i don't know what to do. i've stopped looking for jobs here because my plan is to leave here and live with my dad very soon. i need something new. and i need to be alone. i need to be forced into the real world. so that's my plan. i'm gonna leave here, away from my siblings and mom and it just be me and my dad. well that's the plan. i still haven't followed through because i'm stalling. i'm scared. i am NOT ready at all. i will never be ready so i have to force myself out. i'm hoping there will be some more freedom. 

my dad lives in the city. i could walk outside his place and see buildings and other humans. here, i walk outside and i just see ugly boring trailers and chopped down trees. brown. everything is just so ugly. there's no color. there's no life. and there's TOO MANY WHITE PEOPLE. i don't think all cities are very attractive. i think some can be ugly. but god is it 10 million times uglier in the south/country side. i like nature. i like trees. it's my dream to live somewhere with a beautiful view where like mountains n' shit and maybe a not-ugly cityscape. but here? there is no pretty nature to be around. there's nothing pretty here. nothing inspiring outside which is why my legs can't even bring themselves to go for a simple walk out there. at least in the city i have a chance to see some interesting buildings. and there's a downtown where all the cool shit is. i don't have to see all the ruined chopped down trees and abandoned looking houses and buildings. 

wait. lol. i went kinda off topic. i didn't mean to go into that too much. i'm supposed to be talking about how much i hate being a neet!

i was ranting to my sister about basically how much i hate my life and how boring my life is lol and at some point she was like "yeah it looks boring." and man did that make me feel a BAJILLION TIMES WORSE. i don't know why. but i think that is added to my misery. it is what inspired me to write this blog. because my life IS boring. it is very boring. i don't want to die like this. i can't die with this being what my life was. i'll just be remember as "never leabing the house" and "having no friends" and "all they did was draw". i can't do that. i need to get out. i need to get out i gotta get out i gotta do something. i am so trapped here. another thing is i hate being percieved. i dunno maybe it's some kinda fucked trauma response idk but i hate doing things around people because i don't want them to ask me questions or look at me. it paralyzes me. i become so uncomfortable and filled with rage when people bother me when i'm doing something. i currently live with 7 people and am stuck in a room with 2 other people. so i am paralyed almost all of the time except when they're gone. the only time i feel sorta comfortable is when they're not here. but i can never be truly comfortable because i hate myself and i hate being in my body.

what was i talking about? 

this is too long and i think we lost the plot. i don't feel like going through and fixing the spelling mistakes that i am sure are in there. i am just gonna leave.