lying on the school bathroom floor for the third year in a row

your future self is staring at you through your memories.

today and yesterday weren't great. yesterday was probably worse but today felt like it dragged on for so so long. i was crying internally, trying to tell myself that everything will be okay one day. one day, this will never happen again. you'll be okay. i know. i know how much it hurts. but you'll be okay. id tell myself. over and over, sobbing in my mind. and i would scream at that thing. that thing that fear thats probably been there all my life and all my families life and now its been at my throat for the past 2 years.

LEAVE ME ALONE!! LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!LEAVE ME ALONE!! LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!LEAVE ME ALONE!! LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!LEAVE ME ALONE!! LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!LEAVE ME ALONE!! LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!LEAVE ME ALONE!! LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

im not in the present. im not in the future. im not in the past. im nowhere. i dont have a home. if i had one, maybe that fear wouldnt be so bad. 

yestderday didnt start out great. i even wrote in my school drawing book "im already feeling lonely and the day hasnt even started". ive been at school for around 4 weeks now, but i still havent met anyone ive considered a friend. not that anyone is horrible to me, and i do literally have a crush on someone in my class and have been actively to be at least friends with him for a while now. have just had bad luck since hes been sick for the past week and only came today. but yesterday i felt sad. for a bit now ive kind of felt insecure about how traditional art and drawing in general. and my hair. like i just feel like its not... good enough. i know ill never be happy with it. cuz im not happy with myself. it felt amplified yesterday and i just wanted to go home. 

theres this  kid who thinks im his friend but i really dont like him. he gave me bad vibes but especially after some friends from my youth group who apparently knew him told me hes not a good person. so ive been trying to avoid him. him and this guy whos friends with my crush asked me if i wanted to walk with them to subway. thinking it was only gonna be a 3 minute walk and that i should probably start exercising i said yea sure. we start walking and instead of it being a 3 minute walk there and back it was a probably 13 minute one with the guy who i do not like guiding us. turns out, he didnt even fucking know where it was. so when we went to where the subway was supposed to be it didnt even exist. so the other guy just got shitty pizza and we left. walked up hill. for another 13 minutes. we knew we were late for class.

my feet were hurting. and i could feel my face burning red and hot. my hair became damp. sweat covered my entire body. but the worst feeling was when they were so far ahead me. they kept walking and that fear and looming covered my entire body like my sweat and heat and anger did. you can try so hard but they'll always be ahead you. and you wont ever be perceived. 

we got back to the school. of course, we had cooking class. means i cant sit down. some teacher had the balls to tell me that i only had one minute to breath before i had to go to class.

i started chopping potatos and peeling them. i was so dazed from the heat and my sadness, i didnt think about what i was doing. i snapped back into reality when the potato peeler hit my pointer finger and becuase of how warm my body was blood immedietely splattered everywhere. they gave me a towel and bandaids and i didnt go back to class. that dumbass who guided the two of us left class cuz he was "tired" and then said he didnt throw out the potato i BLED ON. 

when i finally got home, my foot was hurting from walking and my finger stung. my stomach  was churning. i felt so much pain. i was in this daze almost

today was bad too. but it was only better cuz T was there and i got to talk to him like a LOT today <3333333 but anyway this entry aint about him unfortunately. 

we were in the kitchen like 90% of the day. i was luckily late to school so i missed 2 hours of cooking but still. and even though that loneliness wasnt so bad it just kind of fell apart near the end of the day. i felt like time was going so slowly and that i was just in a background. and my stomach kept turning and turning and i felt so hungry and thirsty. for some reason our maths teacher decided to have an improv science class... in the kitchen. so i was sitting on the ground like 5 other people were and started to zone out as i felt ill. and depressed. then for some reason, our maths teacher pointed me out to the entire classroom and said something along the lines of "and see this guy over here? sitting on the ground and not doing the work weve just started? ive told you guys already that i want you do actually do this and that not doing this is disrespectful and rude and ive put so much effort into all this and you need to get up and start doing stuff"

at the start of his sentence i slowly stood up and that seemed to have made him more mad. i walked over to the otherside of the room and he kept talking. behind everyone. i didnt know what i had to do and everyone seemed to have a role already and my stomach was twisting and turning like crazy. so i just... left. i left and i went to the nearest bathroom. locked the door. i sat there.

ive probably been to that bathroom more than any of my classmates have. not becuase ive needed to. one thing i always hated about that bathroom was the fact that the mirror stood directly in front of the toilet. so i would see myself. i hated that about my desk too. it has a pre-built mirror. its not that i hate the way i look cuz i dont look bad. i just dont look like me. i see me and see no one. but i see my hands and i know thats me but my face? no one. i feel my fingers drag across my cheek and claw at my scalp but i know that stupid pudgy girly face isnt me. i hate the way my cheeks form dimples when i smile, and that my nostrils are big and wide and that my eyes are too close to my nose and my teeth are slightly yellow and that my legs are big and fat and that my boobs make me look fat. and all that would be problems i could get past if i didnt look in the mirror and immediately know that that isnt me. 

i went outside cuz i thought i was gonna get yelled at by my teacher for skipping class, only to see like three other people doing the same thing. so i went back into the bathroom and just kinda sat on the floor so i didnt have to see the mirror again. then i remembered something. ive done this 4 other times before. in year 7 i used to skip hours of class in the bathroom. in year 8 i would sit in the bathroom during both lunch and recess and think about my entire life, eventually realising who i was supposed to be. in year 9, when we had those awful awful fortnightly class outings and two of the worst ones i locked myself in a bathroom and think about how bad my life was. and now... im doing it again. its just funny. its funny how it all comes back to the same thing. 

its weird to say this but. its one of the closest things ive had to a home in 2 years. not this specific bathroom but just the space. of no one being able to come in. the sterile lights and white walls with specks of graffitied writing make me feel like im in a space where im alone. and its only me. 

and when i look in that mirror sometimes. instead of seeing me, i see myself from years ago. not a reflection. memories.  and knowing what happens to them breaks my heart. but all i can do is stand at that mirror saying things hoping they can hear it on the otherside