2/26/2025, 4:21PM

as of late ive been finding it really hard to do things that are good for me. there are avenues and opportunities for me to get my life on track so i can get a job and stuff and have money but i dont want to do any of that stuff, but at the same time i do. i dont wanna have to interact with new people so i can get through this stuff but at the same time i do. everything i need to do i dont want to do but at the same time i do want to do it. 

it would be nice to have money and friends and something to do outside this wretched house, but i just want to stay away from everyone and hide in my room all the time where i know terrible things dont happen, but even that isnt true anymore because my cat died in here like a few weeks ago. it really really fucked me up and i feel more hopeless and depressed now than ever.

i just find it hard to get the motivation to get a job or make irl friends because of the state of the world right now. nobody is stopping israel or russia, nobody is stopping donald trump, society is backsliding and it feels like we are regressing back to 50s societal norms. there are so many diseases and illnesses ravaging everywhere right now and it makes me fucking terrified to even go outside because a lot of shit is airborne. disaster and disease and famine are just gonna be normal things now.

it feels very hard to act like a normal functioning member of society in america as a gay trans guy with a lot of anxiety. the future looks very bleak right now. my rationale is if im going to die someday, possibly soon either to transphobia, illness, gun violence, or climate change, why bother doing the boring stuff like working when i can just stay inside all day making art and ignoring my problems and the problems of the world? what reason do i have to go on if im going to probably die soon anyways. 

i dont wish i had cancer, my family has the genes for it. my aunt died of cancer, my uncle had some precancerous lumps(?), i had a precancerous melanoma in my hand and my body is covered with moles that look just like it. i dont wish i had cancer, but i do. sometimes i hope one day ill go to the doctor and theyll give me the awful terrible news that im going to die soon and theres nothing to be done about it. im too scared to do it myself, so if it was cancer it would make sense. of course i dont want all the terrible shit that comes with having cancer, like the actually being sick part, so i dont actually want cancer. i just want an expiration date, and cancer would do that for me.

i want to die before things get really really really bad for me. because i know at some point its all gonna come crashing down. im not gonna have family to live with anymore. i dont have any friends in real life so there wouldnt be anywhere for me to go. by the time im 30 or 40 and i dont have a job, i will most likely be very homeless. i want to get out before that happens. so, cancer.

it just feels like the world gets worse and worse the older you get. my birthday was last week so yay for me i guess.