.

i'm crashing fucking out like crashing out badly kinda but not really i'm being exaggerated but i was starting to have werid feelings even if i'm calming down but i don't really care but I CAN'T STOP... i can't stop feeling like once again i've been used in some sort of way, probably a ghost worry but i'm being so ridiculous now cuz my mind decided to play imposter once more and make me worry. It's a reflex at this point. It's gonna happen right? Somehow, so my mind wants to get ready for it

talking=getting what's wanted out of me=back to nothing. then in back to nothing i worry because it's not even like anyone's taking but i feel like it's that in my mind because i can't stop the reflex over and over again and well full cycle once more or something. I feel so guilty and so warm in my chest because I can't explain it. I feel okay but it's okay since i've learned to adapt crumbling to be 'okay'. 

there's really nothing wrong i'm just making this up in my mind but i guess it's because i'm getting the ghost panic of everything that has happened happening again at a random time like a reflex and i don't know what to do with it because i'm freaking out but i really feel like it's going on again but it's stupid because like this same way i just spoiled all of the possible connections i used to have in school. Not like they were real anyway, at all.. but it's like i see the signs in things i read, i see, it's like i am really disposable, really really, but i shouldn't say that because it'll only feed into the belief if i keep saying that because they say i'll keep believing it in my subconscious or something like that... 

is this a trauma response? I should try to stop it but ummm, i just don't wanna think i really wanna get high or od or something or black out until nothing or whatever