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in short, my mom is the nice one. she actually loves me and attempts to empathize with me. there is no questioning any aspect of those statements. however, she also loves my dad.
i can not reveal myself to my dad. therefore, i never have the opportunity to talk to my mom about how i'm doing, what i'm going through, etcetera. i also hate being in the same room as my dad, whereas my mom is married to the fucker. so over the years, i've become distant from my mom as she's grown old and i've grown up a bit.
despite these details, my mom does in fact love me. this is (somehow) an incredibly difficult facet of my life to handle.
i hate when my mom is selfless and kind to me. i
don't know if it's because i don't think i deserve this kindness or
because i don't like the thought of being a burden to her. lately, she's caught onto the fact that i may have the big sad. or at least that i've become quite depressed.
her life is already
so difficult... work, marriage, bills, making meals, etc.... she never gets a break
from such an exhausting existence. i don't want her to worry about her
semi-distant, perpetually bothered son. i don't want her to worry about my emotional states, about which there is virtually nothing she can do to help. i don't want to her to try to help me. i don't want her to discover that she can't help me. i just want her to worry for herself and be happier.
she's been aging super fast lately too. she has too much gray hair to be worried about her son and his agitations. i am not afraid of dying but i'm afraid for her.
weird thing is, if it were a lover or a friend or
even a stranger being this kind to me, i wouldn't mind at all. i would appreciate it wholeheartedly (which i do). but when
it's my mom walking into my room to tell me she made lunch for me, and then she picks up the trash around my room, the guilt is just overwhelming. because i know she does it in an attempt to help me out, to make my life just a little bit easier, to make sure i'm eating well and living in a clean space. she does it because it's one of the only things she can do for me.
she doesn't deserve to worry about me. she has done so much already.
the compassion and empathy are also both unnecessary. it's of little help. it does not put me much further above status quo. it might actually just make me feel worse than usual.
my guilt is so visceral it shreds me. maybe it is both guilt and pity. i don't really know what this feeling is. i don't know if any culture has a particular word for it. if i had to give it a definition, it would be:
n. the feelings of extreme shame, guilt, and pity which arise in response to selfless and naive concern for your well-being.
i don't know how to convey it in a better way to get you guys to understand this. it's not really just that i have terrible self-esteem. this is actual guilt, but not necessarily because i'm doing anything wrong.
i usually stick very closely to 'know thyself.' but with this i don't really know.
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endlesspier
omg i realate to you on such a level like i hate the fact that my mom tries so hard to understand on how i've been in school or how i feel like it makes me feel so much shit when she tells me how i feel because i can't really put into words on how my day has been and that makes me feel guilty because i know my mom is trying to help and its like i can't put into words how my day is and how im doing at school and tbh like when i do my mom just tells to be a strong enough person where i don't let people use me for their benefits but like i've heard her advice like many times and like every day at school i just feel either contempt or depressed like those are the two modes i have after i leave school and so like i don't blame my mom for trying to help me because i know she does a lot for me like she works at a job for money exchange she has gotten this job like half a year ago due to family issues (obv with my dad lol) and so it makes me feel like shit when i know she does the laundry for me and i can't explain how my day has been for her it sucks
like we can't just say
"uh, well, it was pretty bad as per usual, if not slightly worse than yesterday, but there's nothing you can do about it so just stay away"
by francis, fran; ; Report
thank you for sharing though i really appreciate it.
by francis, fran; ; Report
ale
honestly each time i think about it and each time i think how hardworking and how much she does a day clean dishes make dinner clean the house and i can't be bothered to even move a broom makes me really die inside and honestly things seem so miserable like this because my mentality can't help itself and since i kinda wanna die it's hard to get up and do shit
it honestly makes me wish i had never been born so nothing would happen and maybe her life would be easier, honestly, maybe the picture perfect family would have been just my mother, my father and my brother.
i'm sorry if this metaphor is a bit confusing but...
even if you feel you have no place in a picture of your family, there is still an entire art exhibit. you do not need to fit into one painting. a beautiful wall is perfectly lit and will allow you to be yourself. you can be your own beautiful portrait, and nothing is wrong with that. paintings will come and go from this wall. that's just how exhibits work, but you don't need to limit yourself. you are a stunning work of art all on your own, and once you see that, many onlookers will stop and stare at the beautiful painting.
for anyone who stumbles upon this reply, you are included.
by magilon; ; Report
Thank you. I really get it, your analogy is perfect in my eyes. I feel like overtime, I can be able to even fit in the perfect picture I see myself so far away from… I’m ashamed of having to get reassured so much by others but thank you for reminding me of my value once more
I was kinda crashing out when I wrote that and I was going through a manic-depressive episode so maybe don’t worry too much about what I said
Thank for your words
by ale; ; Report
beware: honesty
magilon i like your analogy thank you
but i have thoughts and words
what does it matter that i am intrinsically beautiful? what does it matter that i know that i am, just by existing, a stunning human?
what does any of this matter when, in reality, i may never find the perfect wall. i might not find somewhere i belong for a good while. being acknowledged already stresses me out. and although i can perceive myself in any way i want, i cannot escape the crushing reality that i rarely feel welcome anywhere.
the art metaphor just seems like a nice, truthful, but otherwise useless perspective. like, cool, i have feelings and therefore i have meaning. maybe my painting just isn't supposed to be a happy one
by francis, fran; ; Report
In my perspective I guess it’s supposed to at least give you solace that you don’t belong anywhere but will and can when the time comes… like you can make your painting be nice overtime, at least it’s a soothing way to see that by your meaning you can keep on trying to eventually get there
It depends on how positively you wanna see it
by ale; ; Report
i hope you’re feeling better now haru_min. sometimes i need a small reminder of certain things when i’m down. i hope these moments grow more tolerable for you if they aren't.
i also wanted to thank you, fran, for your reply. i didn’t truly consider the nuances of my analogy. i hope i didn’t cause you any distress. that was not my intention. i used the word “beautiful” because i can tolerate my existence when i feel comfortable within it. for me, “beauty” is a term that comes to mind. i see beauty as this “happy place” where only i exist filled with essentials that bring me peace. this is a very individualistic approach, and i understand how it is not appealing to everyone. i don’t think i could explain this all that well. my definition of beauty is very personal to me, and i understand i may have strayed too far from the concrete definition. i didn’t originally consider that. so so sorry.
i wanted to add that my analogy was not about finding the perfect wall as it already exists. i believe one can acknowledge and then find comfort in individuality while surrounded by other people/things. it’s easy to place other things above myself, but if i can exist while not making myself smaller, i view this as a positive thing. if you disagree, i'm open to knowing why. i’m interested in hearing other perspectives.
this wall exists, but seeing yourself as an art piece takes time. it may even take an entire lifetime, but if i can assure myself it exists, i can keep pushing forward even if only one person sees my painting. i am not asking for my painting to be famous. i wish it to represent me and find the people that are meant to see it.
i’m unsure if anything was clarified or just made more confusing. whoops...
regarding not feeling welcome, this metaphor is useful to me. i guess what i was trying to get at was not trying to fit into others’ paintings, but to exist as your own. other paintings can be displayed, but in the end, they are separate paintings. that was the main point i was trying to get at. sorry if i muddled it up too much.
i want you to know that your painting does not have to be “happy.” it can be interpreted as dark, gray, angry, cloudy, basic, depressing, etc. i think feeling content within your identity is so important and does not need to shift for the onlookers. if you wish to, do it for yourself.
i have a hard time being concise, and i definitely typed a lot. sorry about that.
also, yes haru_min! that was more of the direction i was taking, but i see why it’s a more positive interpretation.
by magilon; ; Report