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hey diary,
today i:
- woke up at 7 and left the house at 7:10 (on time!)
- got texts from my mom to worry less, be happier, and that she prayed for me yesterday. thinking about this makes me want to cry.
- spent the morning doing a pre-lab assignment that i should've done the night before.
- stats class was nice. feels good to be good at something...
- went to a college class only to discover the professor had canceled the lecture that day and therefore i had accidentally skipped class last week. i still had to attend lab later in the day so i had time to kill.
- spent 2 hrs trying to do work. fought so much exhaustion.
- did a chem lab. for a moment i felt alive and okay, engaged in the experiment and my lab partner for the semester.
- tired but chilling at the college and on the busride home.
- 6:00 p.m. i write this diary and a blog about my relationship with my mom
i noticed today that i get really tired around certain times and there's nothing i can do about it. for most of the day i'm at a base level of exhaustion that can't be relieved. i am thinking about utilizing spoon theory but it wouldn't really help since i'm basically always trying to conserve energy as a default. i also don't have chronic illness, so my exhaustion is probably the result of both emotional and physical fatigue.
also, i hate when my mom is selfless and kind to me. i don't know if it's because i don't think i deserve this kindness or
because i don't like the thought of my mom worrying about me. i don't
like that she's catching on to how depressed i am. her life is already so difficult... work, marriage, bills, making meals, catching a break from such an exhausting existence. i don't want her to worry about her semi-distant, depressed, perpetually bothered son. i don't want her to think about me at all if it makes her worried. i don't want to be a weight on someone who actually cares about me. i guess i really don't think i deserve it. weird thing is, if it were a lover or a friend or even a stranger being this kind to me, i wouldn't mind at all. but when it's my mom walking into my room to tell me she made me lunch for the next day, the guilt is just overwhelming.
(more on this in blog 20)
i'll come back to update this at the end of the day.
see ya there...
[UPDATE]
i ate dinner
played some roblox
did some music production
brainrot instead of sleep :(
- francis t.
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ale
wait cuz same this is why i don't actually tell my mom i kinda wanna kill myself cuz the sole thought makes me want to rip all of my skin off and crawl away in agony... it's just... they've had such a hard shitty life and i don't wanna throw more things up on that. I remember how worried she was when she knew her 10 year old child was depressed so...
I shouldn't have lied to my psychiatrist, but at the same time i'll never tell anyone because i can't bear the feeling of knowing there's something wrong with me and they worry about me i can't bear it and i also cant kill myself cuz that will impact others in a negative way but life is hard or something so whatever